My Seinfeld Script

The episode that never was!

The episode that never was!

About 15 years ago I wrote a spec script for Seinfeld.  I mailed it to Seinfeld, Hollywood, CA, and I’m sure it promptly landed in the trash upon arrival.  I’m going to do my best to find it and post it here for download, but keep in mind it was originally saved on a floppy disk. It may be long gone.  I had no idea how to structure a script for television, but I went to the bookstore, found a few teleplays and just copied the format.

Each cast member had their own storyline.  Here’s what I remember:

Jerry – While exiting the coffee shop, Jerry is accosted by a crazy bum who tells him his nipples are driving making him insane.  From that point on, Jerry becomes acutely aware of his nipples.  He can’t stop thinking about them.  It gets to the point where Jerry goes to a doctor to see if there is anything that can be done for his nipples.

Elaine – For some reason, Elaine is accused of being a Rush Limbaugh fan.  She goes out of her way to prove that she is militant liberal.  I have no idea where this subplot came from, but I just remembering that I thought being called a conservative would really set Elaine off.

George – Everyone’s favorite neurotic starts dating a supermodel, but to his horror he catches her on the toilet.  It is too much for him.  He has to breakup with her.  Jerry agrees with him that anyone who has the word “super” in her name should be beyond the need to go to the bathroom.

Kramer – The wild-haired neighbor devises a get rich quick scheme that his fail proof.  As a novelty (think pet rock), he will create an adoption program for celebrities’ butts.  He begs Jerry to put his butt up for adoption.  Jerry of course refuses, but when Kramer learns that Jason Robards will be in town, he is convinced that the legendary actor will jump at the chance to put his butt up for adoption.  A proctologist (this is pre-Assman, btw) with ties to the mafia fronts Kramer the start-up money.  When Kramer can’t deliver any butts, the proctologist sends some goons to get his money back.

This, my friends, is proof that not every idea is a good idea.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that wrote a spec script for their favorite TV shows.  Anyone else want to fess up?

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