There is a white dot or something moving from the lower right corner of the screen to the upper left. It disappears into the black mist or whatever you want to call it. I must stress that THERE IS A LOGICAL EXPLANATION. I know it.
I attempt to explain why I got so freaked out by the EVP in the first video. I’m not willing to accept that it was an EVP, BTW. In this video you’ll hear a strange knocking at the end. I’m pretty sure the knocking was just my dog jumping up against the door. Still a little freaky because of the timing. The “black cloud?” A very rational friend pointed out that it looked like a bug crawling on the camera lens. I’m willing to accept that because if it’s… the alternative, I won’t be able to go back in the office.
THERE IS A LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS!!!!
BTW – The logical explanation is that this was a lame marketing video I was doing at the time. It’s not real. Hope I didn’t mislead you anyway. I was just having some fun.
For those of you have read Books One, Two and Three of the Oz Chronicles, Book Four is coming. I’ve decided to post excerpts until such time the print version is available.
You will also find the first three chapters of Land of the Dead in the paperback edition of Lost Days.
I died when I was eleven. It was a family vacation on Oak Island, North Carolina, extended family; cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, even some foreign exchange student from France. My cousin Anthony and I swam out past a sandbar scaring the crap out of each other by yelling shark every five minutes. We screamed and laughed and drifted along the shoreline. That’s when it hit us. A current, riptide I think they call it, sucked us off our feet and started carrying us farther out from shore. We both panicked. I kicked and sputtered across the surface of the water, swimming against the current. My breathing was quick and shallow. I grunted and pounded my arms on the choppy surface of the ocean. I looked to my left where Anthony had been and all I saw was the top of his head as he submerged. I opened my mouthed to call out his name and sucked in a mouthful of salt water, causing me to hack and cough as if my lungs were trying leap out of my body. Anthony resurfaced. In between gasps, he managed to yell for help. I tried to do the same but only swallowed more water. My arms felt like lead weights. I felt myself sinking. I fought harder… attempted to fight harder, but I didn’t have the strength. I tilted my head back, keeping my nose out of the water, and tried to breathe through my mouth out of reflex. The water flooded my lungs. I couldn’t even gasp. A searing pain, as if my breast bone was about to crack and split open, was the last thing I remember before everything went dark.
I was dead.
I don’t know how long it was before they revived me. I was lying on my side on the beach. The foreign exchange student had her finger in my mouth shouting, “Ee is breading! Ee is alive!”
It felt like I was spewing a couple of gallons of water. My chest still felt like it was going to crack open.
I heard mom’s voice. “Oz! Oh my God, Oz!” Her knees popped as she knelt down beside me. She gently placed her hand on top of my head. “Sweet baby.”
“Where’s Anthony?” I heard someone ask. I think it was my Aunt Sade, Anthony’s mother.
I didn’t hear anyone answer her.
“Where’s Anthony?” she repeated, a little more shrill than before.
“They’re looking.” The voice belonged to my cousin Johnny. His too deep voice gave him away. He was the oldest and vastly most bored of the Griffin kids, and he usually talked with a dull cadence, but now he sounded defensive and scared.
“Who’s looking… for what?” Aunt Sade asked breathlessly.
An answer came after a long pause.
“Anthony,” Johnny said. “He’s in the water.”
He said it without saying it. Anthony had gone under. He’d drowned. He was dead like me, but unlike me they wouldn’t be able revive him. It would be hours before they even found him.
Until the world ended that was pretty much my worst day.
I was editing a video update on Land of the Dead; Book Four of the Oz Chronicles when I noticed a strange noise or voice or whatever you want to call it. To me, it actually sounds like it’s saying words, but I may be going nuts because of the bizarre things I’ve uncovered doing some research for the book. I leave it up to you, and yes I know this sounds crazy. It is what it is.
I’ll explain more about the significance of the “Nine Days” reference when I have more time to digest this.
You’ve probably heard by now that the Farrelly brothers are making a Three Stooges movie. From what I understand, the movie isn’t about the lives of Moe Horwitz, Jerry Horwitz and Larry Fineberg. The movie is a modern day version of a Moe, Larry and Curly short. So, of course, Bobby and Peter went out and cast comedic heavy weights to star in the movie, Benicio Del Toro as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry. Curly will be played by Jim Carrey, which is okay, but a little too obvious. Far be it for me to question Mr. Farrelly and Mr. Farrelly respectively, but WHAT?! Del Toro and Penn are two of today’s finest actors, but… Moe and Larry they ain’t. True, Penn probably played the greatest high school stoner in the history of movies with his brilliant portrayal of Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but he’s since gone on to play a plethora a dark and scary characters that make it impossible to see him as the loveable Larry Fine. And Del Toro…Hello, the Usual Suspects, Traffic, Big Top Pee-wee… um, Moe Howard didn’t have that kind of range.
I like the idea of casting outside of the box. I think that’s brilliant, but I would stay within the comedy family to do it. With that in mind, I submit my selection for The Three Stooges movie.
So, it’s been a while, but they’re back! The freaks in all their freaky glory. These are the weird and wacky search terms some folks used to find my blog. I’ve decided not to number them any more. That’s prejudicial of me. I’ll leave it up to you to pick the best. Besides, I love using bullet points! They are so much fun.
- how many books oz chronicles by r. w. ridley – Okay, so this isn’t a freaky search, but I just felt obligated to include it because a.) It’s cool that someone cared enough about the Oz Chronicles to search the interwebs for information on them, and 2.) This is the perfect opportunity to tell you that I am working on Book 4. It’s coming soon! I promise.
- friend logo – Don’t brand your friends, dude. Just let them be themselves.
- awesome gorilla – Gorillas are totally awesome! My wife and I just adopted four of them! More on that later.
- jerry seinfeld nudes – Nudes? I prefer him clotheds.
- p90x almost passed out – I too almost passed out from P90X. But as Tony says, do your best and forget the rest. I was smart enough stop before I actually hit the floor. BTW – I’m on about day 150. Love me some P90X.
- mrs lane kiffin – Only weird because of the volume of searches for Mrs. Lane Kiffin. It was by far the number one search term during that whole Tennessee Football debacle. She’s as pretty as her husband is disloyal to a football program.
- is bigfoot real the truth please – First of all, thank you for saying please. Second of all, he is so real. You’re welcome.
- failing is okay – I agree unless you’re a parachute. I would pretty much insist you have a 100% success rate in that case.
- Leatherboobs – This has appeared before. What up with that? I think this is because my friend Woody made a comment that someone found her blog using this word. I’ve got nothing against fake boobs, but that’s just a bit ridiculous. Technically, I think cow utters are leather boobs.
- jeff Goldblum favorite sandwich – Hmmmm, searching for a celebrities favorite sandwich, yep that’s pretty much why they invented the interwebs. I believe Mr. Goldblum is a sandwichetarian. He’s really into sandwich rights, although I think he still eats gyros. Hypocrite!
So, I figured out why it’s been so hard to get a publishing deal. Obviously, I’ve been making it really hard on all the publishing houses by having my agent do all that submitting and schmoozing stuff. That’s no fun and way too much work. So, I’ve decided to make it much easier on everyone. Here is a handy-dandy “Publishing Deal” button. Just press it and make your best offer. Man, I should have thought of this sooner.
That thingy… you know… it’s long and you can hold it…
- The plastic knob looking thing that goes on the whatsit.
- It happened in 1970 or 1971 or 1983 even, and that guy with hair and blue jeans was there.
- The name of that Gilligan’s Island episode where Gilligan screws up and Skipper gets mad.
- How you make those cookie/cake/muffin things that you bake in an oven… has sugar and flour in it.
- That girl I saw with reddish, black or blonde hair. She’s about medium height. I think she had fingernails.
- That actor in that movie with the bad guy. He was on TV talking about the movie on that morning show where they have that guy and that girl and some weather guy.
- It looks like a potato, but it’s not a potato. You can eat it raw, but it tastes like sand.
- That thing my wife wanted me to pick up at the store.
- The blog post I was actually going to write today.
The images coming out of Haiti are painful. I don’t have much to offer them other than this space, and I gladly hand it over to Jimmy Buffet to tell you how you can help.
Wait! What’s that coming out of the new coach of University Tennessee’s mouth? It’s… a Southern accent. He says things like “PreeMaTour” and “Pickin” and “Britches” and “Y’all.” It shouldn’t matter, but somehow I think it does after the hell Lane Kiffin put the program through the last couple of days. Listening to him talk, you immediately get the feeling he belongs.
Okay, he comes from the right part of the county, but is Derek Dooley the right fit for Tennessee? I grew up dreading the Georgia/Tennessee game because his father, Vince Dooley, seemed to always find a way to beat the Vols. And Derek has the same slim build and sharp features his father has, so I get a little heartburn just looking at him. That will go away as soon as he walks off the field with a Tennessee victory.
He’s been getting knocked around a little because of his record at Louisiana Tech. In three years he amassed a record of 17-21. I’m not that concerned about it. Louisiana Tech does not have a storied tradition of football. They have to compete with LSU for instate recruits, which means they get a lot of second tier talent from Louisiana, Texas, Mississippi and Alabama. His tutelage and friendships are what is most impressive about him. His father is a legendary head coach, and he served under Nick Saban at LSU and Miami. The man Tennessee really wanted for the job, Muschamp from Texas, recommended Dooley for the job. In short, he’s got friends in college football, something the previous Tennessee coach seemed to lack. Other than a couple of people on his staff, I get the sense that Lane is not that well-liked among the coaching fraternity.
I’m not ready to hang a picture of him on my wall, but as a Tennessee fan, I do welcome Derek Dooley and wish him well. BTW – the number one search term for my blog the last couple of days has been “Mrs. Lane Kiffin.” I’m guessing it was a lot of young male USC fans trying to get a look at the new coach’s hot wife. I think that’s part of the problem with Coach Kiffin. More people pay attention to the people he surrounds himself with than pay attention to him.
And not for nothing, but Dr. Allison Dooley has got it going on… do people still say that. I have got to start hanging out with cooler people. There’s one picture of her on the web, and it’s her Facebook picture. That would just be a little bit creepy for me to put that on my blog, and I don’t think we, as Tennessee fans, should focus on all the shiny things Coach Dooley brings to the table. Let’s focus on how he actually coaches.