I Considered Beating Up an Old Woman With Bad Feet.


The dangers of picking up old ladies who just had foot surgery.

I blame our cynical world.  Just as I was about to pull out of a parking space yesterday, I was surprised by an elderly woman knocking on my driver side window. I may have screamed… in a very manly way.  I rolled down the window, and she explained to me she had just had surgery on her feet, and she would really appreciate a ride to the mall so she wouldn’t have to walk the whole way.  The following is a transcript of the conversation I had in my head immediately after she made the request:

Me 1: Dude, you’re not supposed to give strangers rides.

Me 2: Says who?

Me 1: Mom.

Me 2: That was when I was 16.  I’m 44, now.  I don’t think the same rules apply.

Me 1: She’s going to totally kill you.

Me 2: Look at her.  She’s old and frail.  I could totally take her if she tried anything.

Me 1: What if she has a gun?

Me 2: Her? She looks like somebody’s grandmother.

Me 1: That is the perfect cover for a serial killer.

Me 1: Serial killers are almost always men. Don’t you pay attention when we watch Dexter?

Me 2: What about that Charlize Theron movie?  She was a serial killer in that.

Me 1: Oh, yeah.  Forgot about that one.  She was a hooker, and she only killed her johns.  I think I’ll be okay as long as I don’t offer her money in exchange for sex.

Me 2: Dude, you’ve been staring at her for like a minute and a half without saying a word. You have to give her an answer.

Me 1 (to elderly lady): Sure.  Get in.

Me 2: Stick to the main road.  Think like a cat.  She pulls a gun, pounce before she can react.  Her reflexes have probably slowed over the years.

It is so sad that I suffer from that amount of paranoia.  Maybe it’s the books I write, or the movies I watch, or the cable news networks, but when did this become the kind a society where I have to come up with a plan of action to defend myself against a gun wielding elderly woman who just had foot surgery?  All ended well.  I dropped her off at her destination and there was almost no gun play involved.

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