I’ve updated my About page. Here’s my new bio:
I am an author with the mind of Megan Fox and the body of Albert Einstein. I’ve won awards for my books, but modesty prevents me from telling you how incredibly important that is to you and every living person on the planet. I never exaggerate. I’m planning on buying Mt. Everest, and moving it three inches back. I’ve created a charity to raise money to find an alternative to rectal exams. I’ve invited myself to speak in front of congress about the insidious nature of the letter ‘K,’ but every congressman whose name starts with the letter ‘K’ has blackballed me. If I had my way, they would blacball me. I just don’t trust a letter that is either silent or redundant, both in use and in nature. I’m currently trying to invent a new word for monosyllabic because I hate irony. Ironically, I’m totally comfortable with incongruity. If you buy my books, it will make you better looking and smarter. If you tell five people to buy my books, you will grow taller and younger. If one million people buys my books, I will appear better looking, smarter, taller and younger. This is a win-win situation people. I’m kind of ticked you’ve been dragging your feet on this thing. It’s almost like you’re afraid of success… I should probably take this opportunity to tell you that I tend to ramble when it comes to writing my bio, and I sometimes lash out. You clearly aren’t the problem. I blame all my troubles on the fact that Mt. Everest is too far forward. (Now it’s all starting to make sense, isn’t it!).
In closing, I have a beautiful wife, a hyperactive dog, two arrogant cats, and one ugly mortgage.
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