Citizen Hero of the Day – Stephen Colbert

Captain Colbert Nation

My Citizen Hero of the Day Award goes to Stephen Colbert for taking back the House in the name of the people with a single word, “No.”

Colbert was invited by the chair of the House Judiciary Committee Zoe Lofgren to speak on his “vast knowledge” of farm labor issues.  Apparently US Representative John Conyers felt a little uneasy by his appearance before the committee and asked the cable TV host to leave.  Colbert’s reply?  No.  Good on you Stephen Colbert.  If Conyers can’t take the truthiness, he should be the one who leaves.

UPDATE – It wasn’t as dramatic as initially reported.  Conyers was in on the joke, but he thought it was time to move on after Colbert made his statement.  Colbert volunteered to leave if the the committee member who invited him to speak wanted him to, but she told him to stay.  I’m still giving Colbert the Citizen Hero of the Day Award for one of the most awesome appearances I’ve ever seen in Congress!

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If Gorillas… (Part 4)

If gorillas get stuck talking to Steve Jobs, they don’t hear a word he says because all they can think about is the nickname they came up for him, iDouche.  Man, do gorillas hate Steve jobs or what?

"Dude, I get it. It's a phone. Yippee. Now, call someone who cares."

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Why I am that guy!

I guess it’s time I explain R.W. Ridley – I am that guy – Moon Gorillas Welcome.  I’ll leave out names to protect myself from total retribution.

"Don't be that guy, Richard!"

In my previous job, I was a fairly good employee.  I loved the company and the people I worked with and most of the people I worked for.  It was a great place to work most of the time.  However, there was one occasion where I actually considered leaving and never coming back.  I’m talking walking out without a word. I called my wife, and she let me vent and fume and it basically calmed me down enough so that I could take a deep breath.  Eventually, I just let it slide. It would have been stupid to leave at that time for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the fact that I was totally at fault for the situation I was in.

Without giving too many details, I did something I was told not to.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  It was an idiotic move, and I knew better. I made the mistake of believing I was smarter than my employers, and   told myself that the ends justified the means.  It didn’t.  Not by a long shot. I was called on the carpet for it by my supervisor’s, supervisor’s, supervisor’s, supervisor – four guys above me.  A guy who was and is climbing his way up the ladder of this Fortune 500 Company. He’s an ultra A-type personality who’s known for ruling with an iron fist.

I was brought into a room with my supervisor and his supervisor and his supervisor.  The last guy’s supervisor was on speaker phone.  He started out okay, but he slowly built up into a rage.  He told me the story of another guy who screwed up royally in the company.  What this guy did was just slightly worse than what I did.  You could feel the deep, undeniable loathing for this guy in the supervisor-to-the-fourth-power’s voice as he recounted the story.  His breathing became rushed and erratic, and I imagine his face was blood red. He eventually paused and then blurted out, “Don’t be that guy, Richard!  Don’t be that guy!”  I looked at all the faces in the room and could see that they were all really frightened for me.  I had just been verbally shredded, and backed into a corner.  I could escalate things by fighting back, or I could save everyone a lot of heartache by saying nothing.  I took the middle ground and said.  “Well, I’m not real happy being me right now,” and tried to take ownership for my actions without sounding spineless.  I realized that I had gotten everyone in that room in trouble, and they probably weren’t that happy with me either.

Intellectually, I knew it was my fault, but emotionally, I seethed for months for the way I was treated.  It was a good old fashioned bloodletting, and I was filled with resentment.   Over time, I had more and more interaction with the supervisor-to-the-fourth-power, and while I can’t say he and I became buddies, I can say I slowly started to have a lot more respect for him.  He’s constantly under a tremendous amount of pressure, and he’s insanely good at his job.  He delivers results. True, he’s got zero people skills, but he gets things done.   The truth is if what I had done had gone totally wrong and blown up, the CEO of the company would have had his head on a stick.

The incident made me realize that I am that guy.  The next time the supervisor-to-the-fourth-power tells a story about how somebody really screwed up it’s going to be about me.  And let me tell you, you don’t want to be that guy.

Now, why Moon Gorillas?  Because Moon Gorillas are totally cool, and they will always be welcome here.

If Gorillas…

"And our Product Replacement Plan provides comprehensive coverage and easy fulfillment from day one."

If gorillas worked at Best Buy, I bet they’d sell more extended warranties on major appliances than all the other employees. Gorillas are all about the upsell.

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Are the people of the Middle East shrinking?

The Egyptian media came under some criticism in the international community because they apparently doctored an image from the Middle East peace talks at the White House.  Using Photoshop, they repositioned their president, Hosni Mubarak, from the back left side of a picture featuring the five leaders attending the talks walking down a hallway and put him in front of the pack.  Here is the doctored picture.

Who's in charge here?

It seems the Egyptians would like to give the impression that their leader is large and in charge.  Here is what is being reported as the original picture.

The original photo... or is it?

As you can see, President Obama is actually at the point of this geese-like formation.  It looks very convincing, but I was contacted by someone within the administration that claims that even this photo has been manipulated.  Yes, you read right.  The photo that is being purported to be the original has also been altered using Photoshop.  Why?  Because of a little known medical phenomenon occurring in the Middle East called Winston Brog’s Syndrome.  Simply put, people living in the region are shrinking at an alarming rate due to the excessive heat.  The syndrome was discovered by Dr. Winston Brog of the UK fifteen years ago, but no one took him seriously. As a result, millions of Middle Easterners have gone untreated for this horrific disease unnecessarily.  After receiving the unaltered picture, I sent Dr. Brog an email asking for his response.  Here is what he had to say.

“It doesn’t surprise me in the least.  Have you been to the Middle East?  It’s bloody hot.  The people there get wet and then dry unnaturally fast due to the almost unbearable heat.  Short exposure to this type of drying process won’t harm you, but generational exposure seems to have coded the DNA to create what’s known as missopliable cell membranes.  In layman’s terms it means the cell walls shrink a little after each drying incident.

“Fortunately, I’ve developed a treatment that is quite effective if introduced to the patient early in their life.  It’s a type of dry cleaning and martinizing for humans, but it only works if you start it at around age four or five.  I’m afraid the gentlemen in the picture you sent me are beyond help.  Eventually they will shrink into nothingness.  Kind of like Mork in that episode of Mork and Mindy.”

There you have it.  Scientific confirmation that the people of the Middle East are shrinking.  And now, I give you photographic proof.

The true horror of Winston Brog's Syndrome!

There is one glaring question that arises from this unfathomable development.  Why the cover up?  Dr. Brog addressed that very issue.

“This disease is unnatural.  It wasn’t created by the whims of viral activity.  It was created in a lab somewhere and released upon the region.  I can’t say for sure who’s behind it, but some speculate the Norwegian government is involved.  They really are a bunch of evil dullards.”

“Frankly, the US and other Western nations don’t particularly mind.  If everyone shrinks to nothing, then there’d be no more wars in the Middle East. Problem solved.”

I submit to you that despite what royal pains the people of the Middle East have been, no one deserves to shrink into nothingness.  Let the world know what’s going on.  Pass the picture along to everyone you know.  Let’s stop what Norway started!  Together we have the power.

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