Hold on to your hats! The Greasy Beast of the High Sierras is here!

A paranormal group has called a press conference today at 4:00 Pacific Time to no doubt disappoint us all.  On Memorial Day their truck or van or some bulky vehicle of the like got snowed in somewhere on the High Sierras.  They left it to retrieve it during friendlier weather conditions.  Upon their return, they discovered that a creature of some kind greased itself up and pressed its face against one of the windows of the vehicle.  Below is a picture of that oily imprint.  The left is the original and the right is the image I created with my super enhancement skills.  You’re welcome!

Why so disgustingly greasy, Bigfoot?

They say that it’s the “Most Convincing Evidence of Bigfoot” since the Patterson film.  The group is called the Sanger Paranormal Society, and they say they’ve had a DNA expert take swab samples, but there’s no word on whether or not the DNA expert will be on hand to field questions at the press conference.

You can click here for more information on the press conference – “Most Convincing Evidence of Bigfoot” News Conference Today!

 

Want to win a prize? I’m celebrating the release of The Man Who Saved Two Notch on Kindle!

Click the image to buy my latest book!

My agent gave me his ok to release The Man Who Saved Two Notch on Kindle.  This is a common tactic by authors of almost every ilk these days.  Release the book on Kindle, generate some buzz and hopefully get picked up by a big publishing house.  To date, I haven’t created enough buzz to warrant more than careful consideration from the Big Six (although with the addition of Amazon to the publishing mix, some people have started calling it the Big Seven.).

So, I want to do my part to generate bigger buzz (Can buzz be bigger?).  In the past, I’ve done drawings in which I gave away a Kindle.  I’m going to do another drawing.  My plan was to switch it up and give away an iPad 2, but Apple forbids anyone from giving away iPads or iPhones without getting their lawyers involved. They can bite me.  So, I’m going to ask for your input on the prize this time.  Vote in my poll and pick the prize for the drawing!  Oh, and if you’re a Kindle-ite, click on the image of the cover to buy the Kindle version of The Man Who Saved Two Notch.

The songs on The Man Who Saved Two Notch’s virtual soundtrack so far

Here are the songs that I’ve included on my The Man Who Saved Two Notch Virtual soundtrack.  If you like any of the songs, I encourage you to help the artists out and buy the song or better yet, the entire album.  They haven’t read or endorsed The Man Who Saved Two Notch, but their songs remind me of the tone and feel of the book.

Murder in the City by the Avett Brothers

 

Rye Whiskey by the Punch Brothers

 

John Prine’s classic That’s the Way the World Goes Round performed by Jeffrey Foucault

 

Goodbye by Steve Earle

 

The Cave by Mumford and Sons

 

Old Devils by William Elliott Whitmore

 

Woe is me, I’m ruined by The Lonely Forest

 

Dream a Little Dream performed by Eddie Vedder

 

 

 

Another song for the Two Notch virtual CD – Eddie Vedder sings Dream a Little Dream

I just heard this on the radio, and I couldn’t wait to add it to my list of songs for The Man Who Saved Two Notch virtual CD.  Eddie Vedder released a solo album of just him and his ukulele.  Right, I know.  It sounds crazy, but once I heard his cover of Dream a Little Dream I was sold.  The haunting vocals and simple instrument make it a perfect fit for Two Notch.

Anthony Weiner really does look like Quagmire!

My wife said she heard someone say that Anthony Weiner looks like Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy, and I have to say I agree.  Here’s proof.

Oh, yeah!

Perhaps the most disturbing outcome of this whole mess is a report that Weiner could receive as much as $1 million in pension money for his time spent as a U.S. Congressman.  He served for 12 years.  Twelve years!  People retired after 30 years during his term and they’re collecting notta in retirement because of the failures of the men and women serving in Congress.   I couldn’t care less about Weiner’s sexting scandal (other than it’s crazy enough to be funny).  It’s the quality of the job he did while in office that irks the hell out of me.  It’s not just him.  I hold everyone in Congress accountable for the state of our economy.  Nancy Pelosi’s wealth grew by 62% last year while she help orchestrate the collapse of US economy.  Why are we letting any of them collect pensions?  They aren’t earning it.  None of them.  I don’t care what party they’re in or what their fiscal philosophy is.  Ever last one of them has failed.  ARGH!!!!

Okay, I’m feeling better now… no I’m not.

Sources say that Bill Clinton is livid with Anthony Weiner!

Clintion & Weiner celebrate the congressman's new tat in happier days.

To which I say, really?  Bill’s just lucky Twitter wasn’t around when he was running for political office.  Otherwise, he’d be making a living as manager/backup sax in his brother’s bar band today.   All I have to say is the former president might want to move out of that glass house he’s living in.

A New Two Notch Song and Book Five of the Oz Chronicles update

So, I have this problem and it’s going to sound kind of insane.  I can’t get rid of one of the characters from Two Notch.  The guy just won’t leave me alone.  No, he isn’t showing up in my bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth (Not literally, anyway).  He’s just there every time I sit down to write Book Five of the Oz Chronicles. Writing fiction takes a heavy dose of visualization.  I need my mind clear so I can settle down in the world of The Oz Chronicles, and it’s tough with this character from the other book there.

The character’s name is Abel Decker, and he’s not a nice guy.  He’s a ruthless gun for hire that just happens to be hired by the good guys in my book.  He’s killed a lot of people, including women and children, and he has no remorse.   Despite all that, I like him.  Pardon my French, but there is no bullshit in Abel Decker.  He does what has to be done.  There is no decision to big for him to make.  He knows his place in the world, and he accepts it.  I wouldn’t want to be him, but if there’s a life or death situation coming my way, I’d want him on my side.

I saw a gentleman on TV talk about his time in an Iranian prison.  He was put in solitary confinement for several months, and he said he survived by having imaginary conversations with his dead father and sister.  I told my wife that if I was in the same situation I would probably survive by talking to some of the characters I’ve created, namely Abel.  The dude is just a good old fashion bad ass, and that’s the kind of guy you’d want to be in an Iranian prison with.

I’m saying all that to say this.  I’m taking a few days off the interwebs to clear my head, so I can’t put 100% of my focus back on the Oz Chronicles.  I’m going to read Book Four again, and get back on track.

I’ll be back on Tuesday, but for now, you can enjoy this video.  It’s another song in my The Man Who Saved Two Notch virtual CD.  Call it a wish list of songs for the book’s soundtrack.  This one is Woe is me, I’m ruined by The Lonely Forest.

I don’t know how people survive crossing the street in NYC

I’ve visited New York a number of times in my life, and each time I am amazed when I leave without witnessing someone’s horrible death just by crossing the street.  Pedestrians, cyclists, motorists, cops, you name it, none of them pay any attention to the traffic signals.  It’s almost admirable the way they defiantly and angrily coexist.  Here’s a video of the action taking place at just one of the intersections in Manhattan.  You tell me how no one dies.

Damn you, Bradley Cooper!

Dear, Bradley Cooper

On behalf of married men let me just say, OMG, dude, what in the hell were you thinking?  Isn’t it enough that you have money and fame and looks?  Now you’re throwing in mastery of a romantic language.  Fluent French?  Really? Did you have to go there?

You’re killing me and every other husband trying to hold onto that last microscopic sliver of sex appeal that our wives saw in us.  You don’t know what it’s like.  We’re fat and bald and hygiene challenged. Speaking full, coherent sentences is a chore for us.  In fact, we try to find ways so we don’t have to speak.  It’s not that we don’t want to speak to our wives.  It’s just that “For the rest of your life” is a long time, Bradley.  We’re trying to ration our words so they will last for the next 50 years.  We had a system.  It’s not perfect, but we all agreed to it when we said “I do.”

And then you come along. We did a good job of ignoring that spark in our wives’ eyes whenever you were on screen.  We bit our lips when she perked up every time we passed the magazine aisle in the grocery store and there you were on some cover looking impossibly handsome.  Oh sure, we may have muttered “Damn you, Bradley Cooper,” under our breath, but we let her have her fantasies because that’s what married couples do.  We allow it.  Otherwise, she may become overwhelmed by regret and sorrow.  She needs to know that there’s hope out there. That not all men look like they think burping and farting is charming.  She’s like a prisoner serving a life sentence and you’re the DNA evidence that she’s been waiting for her to set her free… Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best analogy, but you know what I mean.

The point is we’ve survived all that, Bradley Cooper.  We’ve hung in there even though the odds are against us.  We’ve managed to trick our wives into finding us attractive despite the onslaught of your image all over the place.  But then what happens? You get on some French language television program and break out the fluent French.  Wives everywhere swooned.  Swooned, damn it!  How do you expect us to recover from that?  You were so freakin’ eloquent that  I can’t possibly blame my wife for finding you attractive because even I got a little tingly.  It’s not fair, Dude!  I’m begging you to tone it down.  Maybe choose a role that requires you to put on 40 or 50 pounds.  Or, better yet, say something sexist in your next interview.  I’m talking Archie Bunker type stuff.  Just be rude and insensitive and totally hateful.  It shouldn’t be that hard because you already know French.  Just act like a French guy.

Look, all I’m asking is that you do some of the work here – not all of it, just some of it.  I’ll make an effort to clean myself up and pay more attention to my wife so she doesn’t think I’m taking her for granted, or whatever, but you’ve got to be less Bradley Cooperish.  You’re raising the bar way too high, bro.  I’m totally begging you, NO MORE FREAKIN’ FRENCH!!!

A concerned husband,

R.W. Ridley

Official Rise of the Planet of the Apes Theatrical Trailer (2011) – New

Urko Ridley

I am a huge Planet of the Apes geek.  When I was a kid, I made an Urko helmet out of paper mache.  I don’t even think it was Halloween.  I just made it to wear like most kids wear a cowboy hat.  For those of you who don’t know who Urko is, he’s the ape version of Darth Vader.

I say all that to say this.  I can’t wait for the Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  I unabashedly declare that it looks awesome.  Here’s the newest trailer.