Freaky Search Friday – January 22, 2010 Edition


This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this edition of Freaky Search Friday, but I just thought I might as well post it now because it's just a matter of time before someone searches for a shirtless Bert Convy!

So, it’s been a while, but they’re back!  The freaks in all their freaky glory.  These are the weird and wacky search terms some folks used to find my blog.  I’ve decided not to number them any more.  That’s prejudicial of me.  I’ll leave it up to you to pick the best.  Besides, I love using bullet points!  They are so much fun.

  • how many books oz chronicles by r. w. ridley – Okay, so this isn’t a freaky search, but I just felt obligated to include it because a.) It’s cool that someone cared enough about the Oz Chronicles to search the interwebs for information on them, and 2.) This is the perfect opportunity to tell you that I am working on Book 4.  It’s coming soon!  I promise.
  • friend logo – Don’t brand your friends, dude.  Just let them be themselves.
  • awesome gorilla – Gorillas are totally awesome!  My wife and I just adopted four of them!  More on that later.
  • jerry seinfeld nudes – Nudes?  I prefer him clotheds.
  • p90x almost passed out – I too almost passed out from P90X.  But as Tony says, do your best and forget the rest.  I was smart enough stop before I actually hit the floor.  BTW – I’m on about day 150.  Love me some P90X.
  • mrs lane kiffin – Only weird because of the volume of searches for Mrs. Lane Kiffin.  It was by far the number one search term during that whole Tennessee Football debacle.  She’s as pretty as her husband is disloyal to a football program.
  • is bigfoot real the truth please – First of all, thank you for saying please.  Second of all, he is so real.  You’re welcome.
  • failing is okay – I agree unless you’re a parachute.  I would pretty much insist you have a 100% success rate in that case.
  • Leatherboobs – This has appeared before.  What up with that?  I think this is because my friend Woody made a comment that someone found her blog using this word.  I’ve got nothing against fake boobs, but that’s just a bit ridiculous.  Technically, I think cow utters are leather boobs.
  • jeff Goldblum favorite sandwich – Hmmmm, searching for a celebrities favorite sandwich, yep that’s pretty much why they invented the interwebs.   I believe Mr. Goldblum is a sandwichetarian.   He’s really into sandwich rights, although I  think  he still eats gyros.  Hypocrite!

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Freaky Search Friday on Saturday… Sunday, December 19… 20, 2009 Edition

Maybe you'd like to ask Mr. Cougar where humans are on the food chain!

Oye, am I late.  But the freaks are a forgiving bunch.  Here they are in all their glory.  The weird, freaky, and sometimes adorable search terms people used to find my blog.  If you see yours on here, remember, I’m not judging you, but everyone else is. 

10. nicely played, mr stephen king – I like this one because it’s worded in such a way to give the impression that this person was in the middle of an actual conversation with Stephen King.  Nicely played, anonymous googler.

9. bigfoot face to face – Sounds like a promo for an Oprah show.  “Coming up next, Bigfoot face-to-face.” 

8. stefanie meyer – Spelling fail.  Most people get the last name wrong.  Way to be different, anonymous googler. 

7. ed asner bare chested – Not shirtless, but bare chested.  It almost makes Ed Asner come off as sexy… Oh, man, now I’m really going to get some freaky search terms torpedoing my blog.

6. successful husband – Quick tell my wife that someone searching for a successful husband was directed to my blog… On second thought don’t.  Then I’ll have to explain why everyone looking for a shirtless Ed Anser is directed to my blog.

5. christorpher walking fat boy slim – You see why spelling matters?  Now everyone thinks Fatboy Slim has a bladder problem and some guy named Christopher is forced to walk him.  Okay, that’s what I think, anyway.  

4. where do humans come on the food chain – What an odd question.   I guess it’s useful information if you’re about to walk into the jungle or dive into the waters off the coast of Australia, but my impression is that most people searching for this kind of information on the internet aren’t really putting themselves in places where predators lurk about. 

3. peyton manning shirtless – Peyton’s first appearance on the shirtless charts.  I’m sure he’ll cherish this forever.

2. jerry seinfeld nude – And I thought Jerry Seinfeld shirtless was bad.  Seriously, we all know Seinfeld pretty well by now.  Does he seem like the kind of guy who would have nude pictures of himself lying around anywhere?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. zak bagans hairy pits picture – Ewww and yuk and barf nuggets.  Really?   Sometimes I imagine that celebrities are so insecure that they google weird stuff about themselves.  I almost believe that Zak was out one night, and he noticed that his hairy pits were showing so he hurried home to see if any of the paparazzi got a picture of it.

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Freaky Search Friday – December 4, 2009

I give you clown badman... I mean zombie tattoo face... or is that Willem Defoe?

Freaky Search Friday is back. HEY-HO-HEY-HO-HEY-HO, We were on a brief break due to the holidays, but the freaks didn’t go anywhere.  They were out there tapping unusual words and phrases into their favorite search engine, waiting to be led to a website that would satisfy their morbid curiosity.  Instead, they wound up here where they probably felt ridiculed and judged.   Just because I call you freaks doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  Me blog es su blog!

bad gorillas – How do you discipline a 400 pound gorilla?  No, seriously.  I really want to know.  My gorilla’s be acting up lately.

man tattoos – Gender assigned tattoos? 

3300 pound stingray video – That is a huge video. 

clown badman – If you ignore the spelling, this may be the greatest oxymoron ever to appear anywhere. 

zombie tattoo face – What a great name for a rock band.  Ladies and gentleman, Zombie Face Tattoo! 

who’s as good a writer as suzanne Collin – There are few writer’s as good as Suzanne Collin’s.  She’s one of a kind, but since you here, you might as well check out my books. 

willem defoe ugly – Now that is uncalled for.  Sure, I’ve called him less than attractive before, but it’s endearing when I say it.  You’re just a jerk.

don’t sell me anything – Okay, don’t perform voluntary surgery on me or give me a haircut or shave my back…. Well, how much to shave my back?

cat wig book – Let me get this straight.  Cat’s wear wigs, and there’s a book about it.  And to think, I thought all they did was throw up every 15 minutes for no apparent reason. 

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

 picture of gorilla ass – This has appeared on the list before, and sadly versions of the search came up a couple of times this week.  Guys, I like gorillas a lot, but this kind of thing is wrong.  Way wrong.  It couldn’t be wronger.  Stop it.  Stick to your own primate species. 

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Freaky Search Friday – November 13, 2009 Edition

"I was nude once. It was 1984 and my pants caught on fire..."

The freak is in the house, awe-oh!  The freak is in the house, awe-oh!  Sorry, got carried away.  Here they are, a little later in the evening than usual, but I made it. These are the freaky and funny search terms people used to find my blog.  How these queries brought them to my blog, I don’t know, but one should never question the power of the freaky search term.  Enjoy and keep the freak flag flying, people.  I need you.    

10. how tall jeff Goldblum – He big tall.

9. Jay Cutler suck 5 – Five?  He sucks 17.  As in, he’s thrown 17 interceptions in 9 games.  How many interceptions has Kyle Orton thrown? 

8. “jay cutler” sucks – Only if you expect him to win.  Otherwise, he’s the greatest quarterback who ever lived in his own mind. 

7. real live ghost caught on tape – Note to beginning ghost hunters, you’ll never find a real “live” ghost.  Try looking for the dead ones.

6. day of the dead tattoos – Now this is a tattoo I would consider getting… but not on my face.

5. star tattoos for girls – Could a star tattoo really be gender specific?  What makes one star tattoo more girly than another?

4. worst face tattoo – The worst face tattoo is called a face tattoo.

3. nasty puppies – Cute, loveable puppies are so last year

 2. dog with toupee – Dogs with toupees came up a couple of times last week.  I guess Hair Club for Dogs finally opened for business

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. skip holtz, nude – Oh… ah… no…  You can’t really want to see… I mean I don’t even think Skip Holtz wants to see Skip Holtz nude…. Wait, I’m feeling a little dizzy…. Let me get some fresh air…. Oops… I think I… Yep, I stabbed a pencil in my eye to try and rid myself of the horrible image of Skip Holtz nude.  Thank you for that, interwebs.

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Freaky Search Friday – November 6, 2009 Edition

A picture of Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009, his tall period

Had a wedding today, so my schedule is totally whacked.  I almost missed Freaky Search Friday.  Here they are in all their spectacular glory, the search terms loveable freaks used to find my blog.  Remember, I don’t correct spelling or grammar.  They are how they is.  Enjoy!  BTW – I gave the shirtless celebrities a break.  There were a bunch of them, but it’s no fun including them week after week. 

10. how to be a successful husband – I can help you.  Click here.  A lot of women thought I was being totally condescending and disrespectful.  I wasn’t at all.  I seriously mean to say that I am an idiot who deservedly gets myself in trouble every time I open my mouth or tries to do something on my own.  An example:  My wife can’t have cheese or dairy of any kind.  I bought a “natural” packaged pasta dish thinking she would like it because it was natural.  Never mind that the word cheese was in the actual name of the dish.  We’ve been married for almost 13 years.  I am not that bright.  Remember, be wrong a lot.   

9. chinny photos – I thought I made up a word this week when I called my author photo chinny.  Apparently, chinny is an actual condition.

8. too many facial tattoos – One is too many.

7. did faries exested – I’m about to blow your mind.  Nothing ever exested.  Think about it. 

6. p90x manboobs – What women should know about men.  We don’t mind being fat.  We just don’t like the man boobs phenomenon that comes with the extra pounds. (the makers of P90X) should do a 90 day program on how to get rid of unsightly man breasts.  It would be a huge seller. 

5. free naked pics of zak bagans – I’m thinking Zak should be insulted by this search.  Is it not worth at least a couple of dollars to see him naked?  How’s he supposed to be able to afford those tiny shirts he wears if he’s not making some extra scratch from naked pics?  Ghost hunting doesn’t pay that much, people.  Have a heart.

4. tall jeff goldblum, sept, 2009 – As opposed to short Jeff Goldblum.  Was he taller in September 2009 than any other time in his life? 

3. I want to see Ryan Buell nude – I’m endlessly fascinated by the specificity of some people’s searches.  They’re not just searching for a nude image of Ryan Buell.  They want the search engine to know that they specifically want to see Ryan Buell nude.  As if to say, “Work harder, search engine, because I want to see Ryan Buell nude.  I and I alone!”

2. girl face – Talk about someone who doesn’t have a type.  They’re just looking for a girl with a face.  Can you say, easy to please?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. gigantically man – See Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks.  There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude.  And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again.  I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week.  I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop.  Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky.  It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley.  It works for a boy or a girl.  Why Zombie?  Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog.  People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer.  The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out.  That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera.  I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture.  In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress?  In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy?   I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again.  Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases.  There are none!  Time travel is impossible.  I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already.   Try to follow me on this one.  Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks!  This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week.  Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback.    Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL.  He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting.  Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh.  Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft!  I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns.  I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor.   “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason?  What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld.  My impressions even suck in writing.)

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Freaky Search Friday – October 23, 2009 Edition

This blog has gone hamster!

This blog has gone hamster!

It’s freaky-deaky time.  This is where I get to highlight all the freaks who find my blog by typing kooky and insane search terms into their favorite search engine.  I’m not hating.  I’m just sharing the love and awesomeness of the freaks.   If this is your first time here, you may want to catch up on past posts because there are definitely some disturbing trends.

10. Shirtless Male Celebrity Searches (I’m bunching them together this week): zak bagans, ted kennedy, ryan buell, michael vick, rw, jerry Seinfeld, ed asner, brad sciullo – The list is growing every week, and I don’t know who RW is but I’m assuming (and hoping) that it’s not me.  Because 1. I’m not a celebrity and 2. I haven’t been shirtless since ’99, in real life or photos.

9. short man with tattoos – Bizarrely specific? Yes!  But you’ve got to admire the person who googled this.  They know what they want.

8. is jeff goldblum attractive? – If you have to ask… maybe the next freaky search Friday entry will help you answer your question.

7.ladies love jeff Goldblum – I have it on good authority that Jeff Goldblum actually is the person who googled this.

6. jeff goldblum awkward – Apparently ladies love awkward.  Again, I have it on good authority that this too was Mr. Goldblum.  Looks like he has a self-esteem problem.

5. did michael jackson fear prince – Let’s face it Prince is an imposing figure.  The make-up, the high heel shoes, the lace, the come hither stare… Wait, what was I talking about?

4. hamster 80s term – I was around in the 80s.  We called hamsters, hamsters.  In all fairness, they are probably referring to this 80’s dating video.

3. nude male celebrities – Apparently shirtless just won’t do for some people.

2. donna reed nude – Again?  Why?  I must know.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. Ed Asner nude – You remember that scene in I Am Legend where Will Smith sees the Fred mannequin on the street, and he gets out of his SUV and screams in a panicked voice, “No!  No!”  That’s exactly how I felt when I first saw Ed Asner nude in the list of search terms used to find my blog.  Now, I’m just numb… cold and numb… and frightened.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 16, 2009 Edition

Was she a babe?  Yes, but shes the wholesome type, people.  Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Was she a babe? Yes, but she's the wholesome type, people. Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Freaky search Friday is here!  Let the freak party roll.  The freaks must be gearing up for Halloween, because they don’t seem to be on the interwebs as much as they have been in the past.   Once again, I’m not judging you.  I’m just laughing at you.

10. helicopter fishing marlin – This is quite the evolved marlin.  And what bait do you use to catch helicopters?

9. zombie how to get rid of them – I’ve found the best way to get rid of zombies is to only serve vegetarian meals. They’ll stop coming around.

8. i smell the dead movie – I suggest cremation or burial.  You may also need to fumigate.

7. coolest gorilla – This one makes me smile.  To think, someone was directed to my site to find the coolest gorilla.  While they probably found this picture, I like to think they were looking for Ajax.  Ajax is the coolest gorilla.  If you don’t know who Ajax is, then this is an awkward moment for both of us.  Read my book and all will be forgiven.

6. what fish carries its babies in its mout – I don’t know the fish, but don’t tell Octomom about this.  She doesn’t exactly make the best decisions when it comes to child rearing.  We don’t need to give her any ideas.

5. jeff goldblum favorite food – According to what I learned about the Jeff from The Fly (My favorite Non-Woody Allen movie with Jeff Goldblum in it), he likes sugary food that he can throw up on. I know I’ve picked on Goldblum a few times on this blog, and I have nothing against him, but I do find it weird that he has such a rabid fan base.  They want to see him shirtless.  They want to know his favorite food.  They want to know his birthday. Blah, blah, blah.  I just never knew he had that kind of following.

4. topless male celebs 2009 – Somebody got tired of searching for shirtless male celebrities one at a time.  There were several queries for shirtless male celebrities this week.  It would be exhausting to include them all.  BTW – Can men be topless?  Topless to me suggests something that it is taboo.  This also reminds me of my favorite newspaper headline.  My brother-in-law saw it in either the Daily News or the Post. I can’t remember which one.  “Headless Body Found in Topless Bar!”

3. degrees of wizardry – While normal people may find this search bizarre, it’s not that crazy.  It is possible to get a degree of wizardry at Flamel College.   It just goes to show you there is a place for everybody.

2. http://www.donnareed nude .com – No joke, there were over half a dozen searches for some variation of the term, Donna Reed nude.    Now, the good news here is that every time some one searches for nude pictures of Donna Reed an angel gets its wings.  Wait for it…. Wait for it… You got it!

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. NASA blows the moon – This is an example of how crucial it is to include every word you intended in an online search.  Without the word “up”, this search has an entirely different meaning.  In all fairness, I think that NASA and the moon are just friends.  If anything, they have engaged in some handholding in the past, but that’s as far as it’s gone.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 9, 2009 Edition

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

Freak Search Friday is on!  This is the day of the week where I spotlight all the freaks who find my blog using their freakier than freaky search terms.  Yes, you’re freaks, but I love you!  It was actually hard to come up with 10 choices this week.  A lot of the searches had something to do with NASA’s evil plan to blow up the moon.  But I picked through the list and chose 10 that gave me pause, which is much better than giving me paws.

10 – zak bagans shirtless & Michael Vick Shirtless – Your male shirtless celebrities for the week.  Ed Asner appeared again, but I honestly don’t have the stomach to include it again.

9 – chanel fantasy movies – I had no idea that Chanel had expanded beyond perfume.  Hey, their movies can’t be any worse than SyFy original movies.

8 – comedy and old ladies – Because nothing says belly laughs like old ladies.  I’m sure they were not disappointed at all to find my Old Ladies on a Plane web series!

7 – florida plane lands championchips – There are so many things wrong with this search term it’s hard to know where to begin.  I will say nothing goes better with a cold beer than championchips.  And what, where, & why did this Florida plane land?

6 – batman sasquatch youtube – You thought Sasquatch was elusive .  Try getting any evidence of the Batman Sasquatch.

5 – my fantasy football team sucks – You are not alone, my friend.

4 – 4 yr old channels kurt russell, miracle – First, it was a good reenactment, but Kurt Russell still did a much better job.  No knock on the kid.  He was cute and entertaining, but Kurt’s been an actor for a long time.  He was on a Gilligan’s Island episode for Skipper’s sake.  You can’t discount training like that.  Second, I’m pretty sure that you can’t channel people who are living… Actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t channel people at all.

3 – why nasa wants to blow up the moon – I got a lot of “NASA blowing up the moon” hits this past week.  I realize I contributed to the confusion by using the headline “NASA wants to blow up the moon!”  I was fairly certain that people would get the joke, but due to the nature of some of the search terms, I can say unequivocally that there are people on this planet who think that NASA actually wants to blow up the moon.

2 – nasa plane to blow up the moon – What is NASA the Taliban?  They’re flying planes into celestial objects now?  Plus, if NASA can fly a plane to the moon, what the hell are they doing hanging on to the Space Shuttle program?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – who wants to blow up the moon? – The mice want to blow up the moon.  It’s their diabolical plan to get cheese to rain down on Earth!

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