If gorillas were used as mall Santas, that would be awesome! The kids would be terrified, but I would so get my picture taken with gorilla mall Santa.
If gorillas see a lion, they grab it by its tail. They used to do with tigers, but it turns out, tigers really don’t like it when you grab them by their tails. Who knew?
If gorillas see Macaulay Culkin on the street, they make sure to get their picture taken with him because they love sending it in an email to all their friends with the subject line: That Home Alone Kid Looks Totally Baked!
And, man, they ain’t lying!
If gorillas were in that TV show Glee, I’d totally watch it. In fact, I’d watch pretty much anything if it had a gorilla in it… Except Two and Half Men. That show sucks so bad not even a gorilla could save it.
If gorillas celebrated Thanksgiving they’d deep fry their turkeys in banana oil. And they would probably have some kind of banana side dish. And all their mealtime conversation would be about bananas. It would be cute at first, but half way through the the meal you’d probably excuse yourself from the table,sneak into the garage, and try to invent a time machine with whatever you could find so you could go back in time and not invite the gorilla to your Thanksgiving dinner.
If Gorillas join the police force, it’s usually to serve and protect the rest of us from hyper-annoying reality TV stars like Snooki.
If gorillas were in that show Mad Men, they’d probably have to change the name to Mad Apes and fire all the writers because gorillas can’t read.
If gorillas have their picture taken with Andy Rooney, they slip the photographer $20 to say “Say Bushy Eyebrows” instead of “Say cheese” right before he snaps the picture. That always cracks gorillas up, and it usually gets a smile out of Rooney.
If gorillas are invited to a protest, they always bring the same stupid sign – More Bananas! They think it’s funny.
If gorillas get drunk and pass out, and you’re their true friend, you should take pictures of them. When they sober up, show them the pictures and ask them if they’re proud. If they’re honest, they’ll say no and check themselves into rehab. If that doesn’t work, post the pictures on Facebook and tell all your friends to share it with their friends. Eventually your gorilla friend will find out what you did and rip your arms off for making a fool out of them. But, Some day your gorilla friend will come around and thank you for caring enough to jeopardize your friendship by posting the pictures.
But, honestly, you’ll probably still be pissed at your gorilla friend for ripping your arms off and all the thank yous in the world won’t mean much to you at that point… unless you get some way cool robot arms from the government. That would be awesome!