I have a very resilient gag reflex. It takes a lot to make me wretch like a frat boy, but I have found something that will move me to worship the porcelain gods with disturbing ease. Nausea maker thy name is Speidi! I have never watched a single iota of a millisecond of MTV’s The Hills which means I should be totally unfamiliar with the show and the schmucks and schmuckettes that make up the cast. But alas that is not the case. I know way too much about them. I see them on magazine covers in the supermarket. They appear on my favorite interweb news outlets. They seemingly spontaneously pop up on my TV set at least 250 times a week. All of them are bad, but none of them get under my skin quite like Heidi and Spence. My fingers ache from having to type their names. They are two of the most undesirable people I think I have ever seen acquire celebrity status. To the kids out there, these are not people to emulate. In fact, I would feel more comfortable recommending they be immolated (I am totally kidding. Do not set them on fire…. A lot.).
I am so offended by these people that I have decided to create our country’s first citizen’s tax. You’ve heard of a citizen’s arrest where an average citizens takes it upon themselves to arrest a criminal. I am taking it upon myself to tax everyone associated with Speidi. Every time I see their image I am collecting a tax. Their parents owes me a tax. Their representation owes me a tax. MTV owes me a tax. The president of TV owes me a tax. The state of California owes me a tax. The FCC owes me a tax. Speidi owes me a tax. I’m even going after the camera operators and support staff. Everyone (no matter how small their role) should pay for perpetuating this unholy travesty. I recommend you all do the same so you too can at least profit from being subjected to their stomach turning fame. Fame officially means nothing.