This just in, R.W. Ridley is dead tired from unavoidable travel. He’s strongly considering taking over the universe and outlawing time-zones. Five o’clock is five o’clock. Until he returns, the blog is mine. In my infinite wisdom, I have decided to turn it over to you because… well, I am just an empty skull after all. The blog is yours. Do with it what you will. R.W. will be back in full swing on Thursday.
Panic is setting in because I haven’t blogged today. There are so many real and fictional reasons why I haven’t posted yet, so I thought it would be a great idea if I just created a list of those reasons here and let you decide which one is real and which ones are fictional. The main reason I’m doing this is because lists are super easy to create.
Top 5 Reasons I haven’t Posted Today (only one is real):
- I performed open heart surgery on a squirrel. It took much longer than I anticipated because I misidentified a post office worker as the squirrel. Luckily I realized my mistake before I used the rib spreader.
- I’m running out of interesting things to say. It’s hard writing something for a blog every day. Sure, I could have posted a video from Youtube and let that be that, but I feel like simply poaching a video from Youtube and posting it here is kind of cheating. That’s why I only do it 4 or 5 times a week.
- President Obama had me on the phone all day asking my advice on how to best deal with Nauru and their diminishing phosphate deposits. I told him phosphate shmosphate. They should open a Starbucks and a Caribou Coffee right across the street from each other. Bam! You have competing designer coffee houses that will stimulate the economy, and bonus, give the entire population of 13,000 Nauru-vians, a great caffeine buzz. Problem solved. Needless to say, POTUS was totally impressed
- I spent the day lobbying congress to remove the letter “c” from the alphabet. The letters “s” and/or “k” can take its place in most situations. Let’s face it the letter “c’s” day has come and gone. I’m embarrassed to have to use it. This is the 21st century people…. Make that sentury. It’s time for the “c” to move on.
- I got in a fight with a giant box of elbow macaroni. Don’t judge. I didn’t start it.