Christopher Walken Voicemail on Marketing Books

Time to make a fool out of myself!  This a little game I like to play. What if Christopher Walken published my book? It makes no sense, and my Walken impression sucks, but what are you going to do? It’s strangely therapeutic. Spend any amount of time talking like Christopher Walken, and suddenly you feel like you can do anything. Plus, he actually came up with a great marketing idea. “Ring Tones!”

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Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks.  There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude.  And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again.  I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week.  I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop.  Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky.  It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley.  It works for a boy or a girl.  Why Zombie?  Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog.  People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer.  The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out.  That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera.  I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture.  In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress?  In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy?   I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again.  Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases.  There are none!  Time travel is impossible.  I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already.   Try to follow me on this one.  Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks!  This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week.  Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback.    Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL.  He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting.  Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh.  Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft!  I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns.  I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor.   “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason?  What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld.  My impressions even suck in writing.)

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Top This! The Worst Christopher Walken Impression Ever!

I’m in a mood today.  What mood?  One of those moods you can’t really describe, so I won’t even try.    Instead, allow me to pull out an old video in an attempt to totally humiliate myself.  First, some back story. I once had a job that required a lot of travel.  I spent hours in my car, and in those lonely hours, I became the world’s worst impressionist.  I actually developed a pathetic Jerry Seinfeld, a horrendous Woody Allen, and a ghastly Christopher Walken.   Not only that, for some odd reason that I can’t quite explain, I created a scenario where they were quarterbacks for a football team.  They’re down by 4 with time for just one more play.  As Walken says in the huddle, “A field goal won’t do!”

In the video below, I had this brilliant idea to pretend that Walken is my publisher, and he’s not happy with book sales.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my publisher, Christopher Walken.  BTW – If you’ve got any stones, you’ll post a video of your own Christopher Walken Impression.  C’mon you know you have one.  Everyone does.

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Vote Walken

The mainstream media would have you believe that this election is over.  That a certain charismatic candidate has charmed the American people into a state of pre-election frenzy of hope & change, that the mere act of voting is wholly unnecessary because their candidate will simply ascend to the throne of U.S. Presidency like some angelic entity that is more ethereal than human. 

Vote Now!  Vote Cowbell!

Vote Now! Vote Cowbell!

So, I’m sending out this plea far and wide.  Don’t believe this election is over.  Our candidate can still win.  All you have to do is vote Walken on Tuesday.  If you want more cowbell, this is the only way you’re going to get it.  The other candidates aren’t even talking about cowbell.  Why?  Because they have no cowbell plan.  It’s all war and taxes with those other presidential hopefuls.  Only Walken wants you to have your cowbell.  Let freedom ring!  (In this case freedom is a metaphor for cowbell.  Get it?)   

 

 

Christopher Walken for President

Walken for Prez!

Walken for Prez!

Recently, I came out in support of Sam Masterson for president. I only did this because I was unaware that there actually are other candidates running for President of the United States. I now regret that endorsement. I am announcing today that I am withdrawing my support for Masterson and throwing the entire weight of my much sought after endorsement behind Christopher Walken. I do this for many reasons. I am a fan of Mr. Walken. I do a very bad impression of Mr. Walken. I’m terrified that if I don’t support him he will hunt me down and shoot me dead. Most of all I’m supporting him because of his platform. It is as follows:

More Cowbell

How can I not vote for the man?