Freaky Search Friday – October 2, 2009 Edition

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture!  God, help me.

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture! God, help me.

Let’s get freaky people.  I give you the top ten freakiest search terms people used to find my blog.  BTW – I just feel compelled to clarify that I do not post nude pictures of anyone on this blog.  You may find a shirtless male celebrity or two, but that’s it.

10. living+hell+instrumental: Equals a night at a local orchestra performance.

9. i’ve just been ma’am’d: I know your pain.  Although, I’m guessing that you’re a woman, and it’s not quite as humiliating as it is for me.

8. tila tequila no clothes on: I just thought the wording was really bizarre.  “No clothes on,” is a really wordy way of saying naked or nude.  It’s almost like this interwebs surfer couldn’t bring himself or herself to be totally creepy.

7. animal poop identifier: Seriously, this is the third week that someone has searched for a poop identifier, and it came up on several occasions this week.  I had no idea there was so much demand for identifying feces.

6. jeff goldblum shirtless & michael vick shirtless: I’d like to welcome back two staples of the male shirtless celebrity club.  You two should hook up with Seinfeld and do a calendar.

5. search pictures of zak bagans shirtless:  Apparently this person thinks you have to tell the computer what to do.  Just so you know, it’s not necessary to tell a search engine to search.  They kind of know that’s what they’re supposed to do.  And another thing, I’m sure Zak has plenty of shirtless pictures of himself in his wallet.  Just try running into him on the street or something.

4. ryan buell with no shirt on – Again the wording fascinated me.  For future reference, “shirtless” is the preferred term for bare-chested male celebrities.  And another thing (again), shame on you.  He’s a baby-faced demon fighter.  He doesn’t have time to take his shirt off.

3. “donna reed nude”:  Are we thinking about the same Donna Reed, Mary from “It’s a Wonderful Life?”   She starred in “The Donna Reed Show” from 1958-1966?  She died in 1986?  Dude, how old are you?

2. i got to poop: Whether this person is saying they were allowed to poop or they have to poop, I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. ed asner shirtless: C’mon!  I refuse to believe that there is someone on the planet who actually had a desire to see Ed Asner shirtless.  Are you kidding me?  He’s Ed-Freakin’-Asner.  What were you thinking?  My brain is hurting just thinking about it.  Whoever you are, I’m grounding you.  No more interwebs for you.

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I Got Dog Pooped Today

I find nowhere on this sign where it says to leave the bag of poop on your neighbors wifes car!

I find nowhere on this sign where it says to leave the bag of poop on your neighbor's wife's car!

I don’t know how else to put it.  There was a bag of dog poop on the trunk of my wife’s car this morning.  Of course, I didn’t attempt to remove the bag myself.   I called her to let her know about it as I was pulling out of the driveway.  In my defense, I didn’t know it was dog poop when I called her, but still it doesn’t look good for me.  Calling your wife to remove a bag a dog poop from her car when you passed within six feet of it seems a little… on the jerk side.

In an incredible twist of irony, we actually needed a bag of dog poop, so everything turned out great.  I’m kidding, of course.  I am surprisingly unfazed by the poop package.  I have to think it wasn’t an act of aggression.  I’m guessing a neighbor was walking their dog and the dog decided to use our yard as a toilet.  Said neighbor did the courteous thing and scooped and bagged the poop, meanwhile the dog got tangled in its leash.  The good and kind neighbor set the bag on the trunk to untangle the dog.  The dog then somehow managed to work itself free from the leash and then made a dash for it.  The neighbor then chased after the dog, forgetting about the bag of poop.  This is what I’m telling myself, and I will continue to believe it until I find a second bag of dog poop on my wife’s car.  At which point, I will remove the bag myself.  I promise.  In fact, I’m almost hoping it will happen again so I can redeem myself.  Husbands really are the dumbest animal on the planet.

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