Freaky Search Friday – November 6, 2009 Edition

A picture of Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009, his tall period

Had a wedding today, so my schedule is totally whacked.  I almost missed Freaky Search Friday.  Here they are in all their spectacular glory, the search terms loveable freaks used to find my blog.  Remember, I don’t correct spelling or grammar.  They are how they is.  Enjoy!  BTW – I gave the shirtless celebrities a break.  There were a bunch of them, but it’s no fun including them week after week. 

10. how to be a successful husband – I can help you.  Click here.  A lot of women thought I was being totally condescending and disrespectful.  I wasn’t at all.  I seriously mean to say that I am an idiot who deservedly gets myself in trouble every time I open my mouth or tries to do something on my own.  An example:  My wife can’t have cheese or dairy of any kind.  I bought a “natural” packaged pasta dish thinking she would like it because it was natural.  Never mind that the word cheese was in the actual name of the dish.  We’ve been married for almost 13 years.  I am not that bright.  Remember, be wrong a lot.   

9. chinny photos – I thought I made up a word this week when I called my author photo chinny.  Apparently, chinny is an actual condition.

8. too many facial tattoos – One is too many.

7. did faries exested – I’m about to blow your mind.  Nothing ever exested.  Think about it. 

6. p90x manboobs – What women should know about men.  We don’t mind being fat.  We just don’t like the man boobs phenomenon that comes with the extra pounds. (the makers of P90X) should do a 90 day program on how to get rid of unsightly man breasts.  It would be a huge seller. 

5. free naked pics of zak bagans – I’m thinking Zak should be insulted by this search.  Is it not worth at least a couple of dollars to see him naked?  How’s he supposed to be able to afford those tiny shirts he wears if he’s not making some extra scratch from naked pics?  Ghost hunting doesn’t pay that much, people.  Have a heart.

4. tall jeff goldblum, sept, 2009 – As opposed to short Jeff Goldblum.  Was he taller in September 2009 than any other time in his life? 

3. I want to see Ryan Buell nude – I’m endlessly fascinated by the specificity of some people’s searches.  They’re not just searching for a nude image of Ryan Buell.  They want the search engine to know that they specifically want to see Ryan Buell nude.  As if to say, “Work harder, search engine, because I want to see Ryan Buell nude.  I and I alone!”

2. girl face – Talk about someone who doesn’t have a type.  They’re just looking for a girl with a face.  Can you say, easy to please?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. gigantically man – See Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009.

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Yes, my body is a wonder land… if by wonder land you mean fat camp!

The fat camp that is my body

The fat camp that is my body

And by fat camp I mean fat has decided to construct a camp on my body in every area where it can find soft tissue.  In fact, the only place I’m not fat is my shins, and last I checked, there aren’t a lot of clothes that accentuate the shins.  Until recently, I didn’t really see myself as a fat person. I always considered myself ‘husky’, but the ever decreasing selection of clothes in my existing wardrobe has caused me to take notice of an unsettling weight gain.

Three weeks ago I decided to do something about it.  I started an intensive daily exercise program (a popular program designed by professionals) that mixes cardio, yoga, and strength training.  I changed my diet primarily by cutting out high-fat red meats, fried foods and sodas.  In addition, I started eating fish, fruits and vegetables on a regular basis.  I’ve even replaced ice cream with granola and non-fat yogurt.   I’ve done all this for three weeks without a single slip.  I have shown unbelievable willpower.  I am working this program as hard as I possibly can.  I tell you all this not to brag, but to complain.  I weighed myself this morning, and I have actually gained two pounds since the first day I started this life-style change.  Are you kidding me?  It’s as if the fat on my body is openly defying my attempts to get rid of it.   I have super squatter fat that is impervious to fat burning activities and all attempts to evict it.

But hear me now, fat.  You have your kryptonite, and I will find it.  Your days are numbered, my friend.  I’m closing down the fat camps.  Soon the rest of my body will look as good as my shins… that sounded better in my head.

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