Freaky Search Friday – October 9, 2009 Edition

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

Freak Search Friday is on!  This is the day of the week where I spotlight all the freaks who find my blog using their freakier than freaky search terms.  Yes, you’re freaks, but I love you!  It was actually hard to come up with 10 choices this week.  A lot of the searches had something to do with NASA’s evil plan to blow up the moon.  But I picked through the list and chose 10 that gave me pause, which is much better than giving me paws.

10 – zak bagans shirtless & Michael Vick Shirtless – Your male shirtless celebrities for the week.  Ed Asner appeared again, but I honestly don’t have the stomach to include it again.

9 – chanel fantasy movies – I had no idea that Chanel had expanded beyond perfume.  Hey, their movies can’t be any worse than SyFy original movies.

8 – comedy and old ladies – Because nothing says belly laughs like old ladies.  I’m sure they were not disappointed at all to find my Old Ladies on a Plane web series!

7 – florida plane lands championchips – There are so many things wrong with this search term it’s hard to know where to begin.  I will say nothing goes better with a cold beer than championchips.  And what, where, & why did this Florida plane land?

6 – batman sasquatch youtube – You thought Sasquatch was elusive .  Try getting any evidence of the Batman Sasquatch.

5 – my fantasy football team sucks – You are not alone, my friend.

4 – 4 yr old channels kurt russell, miracle – First, it was a good reenactment, but Kurt Russell still did a much better job.  No knock on the kid.  He was cute and entertaining, but Kurt’s been an actor for a long time.  He was on a Gilligan’s Island episode for Skipper’s sake.  You can’t discount training like that.  Second, I’m pretty sure that you can’t channel people who are living… Actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t channel people at all.

3 – why nasa wants to blow up the moon – I got a lot of “NASA blowing up the moon” hits this past week.  I realize I contributed to the confusion by using the headline “NASA wants to blow up the moon!”  I was fairly certain that people would get the joke, but due to the nature of some of the search terms, I can say unequivocally that there are people on this planet who think that NASA actually wants to blow up the moon.

2 – nasa plane to blow up the moon – What is NASA the Taliban?  They’re flying planes into celestial objects now?  Plus, if NASA can fly a plane to the moon, what the hell are they doing hanging on to the Space Shuttle program?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – who wants to blow up the moon? – The mice want to blow up the moon.  It’s their diabolical plan to get cheese to rain down on Earth!

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Football So Far

Could the Super Bowl be a family affair this year?

Could the Super Bowl be a family affair this year?

I’ve been watching football attentively for almost 30 years now.  You would think I would have learned a thing or two along the way, but apparently, I’m as clueless now as I was the first game I actually sat down and paid attention to.  Nevertheless, that has never stopped me from sharing my opinions on all things pigskin.  Here’s what I’ve observed so far this season:

College: The Florida Gators are a great football team, but they are not the number one team in the country.  I know it’s theirs to lose, but they’ve yet to play a top 25 opponent, and their vaunted defense has looked inconsistent at times.  I think Alabama is the number one team in the country, and oh by the way, Boise State could end the season at number two.  They dismantled an Oregon team the first game of the year so badly that we all thought Oregon was a really bad team.  Turns out, Oregon is pretty darn good.  Oregon may very well win the PAC 10.  If Oregon wins out and Boise State wins out, it’s going to be tough to keep Boise State out of the National Championship game (mythical as it may be).   I’m picking LSU to lose this week, and Alabama will eliminate Florida or if I’m wrong about Florida, they will eliminate Alabama.  Texas has a gauntlet of games left that include Oklahoma and a conference championship if they make it that far.  There are a lot of chances for Boise State to take that number two spot.

NFL: I’ve watched two Colts’ games this year, and I have to tell you, I’ve never seen Peyton Manning this relaxed.  He’s always been able to manage a game better than anybody, but this year he’s managing games better than even Peyton Manning.  When Bob Sanders comes back, the defense will up its game, and the Colts will be hard to keep out of the Super Bowl.  The scary thing is the Giants are looking good, too.  Their running game is awesome, and their defense can dominate a game.  We could have a Manning brothers’ Super Bowl this year.  BTW – My Panthers suck!  Tim Tebow could be a Carolina Panther next year… if we didn’t give away our first round pick.

Fantasy: Proof positive I have no idea what I’m talking about.  The team I complained about earlier this year is 3-0.  I tweaked the roster a little, but not enough to make the claim that I’m a fantasy football genius.  The other team where I spent time lining up the picks for the draft is 1-2.  And that one win was by the skin of my fantasy teeth.

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Freaky Search Friday… Saturday – September 12 Edition

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... Cmon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... C'mon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Back to the silly and inane.  Welcome to the Saturday edition of Freaky Search Friday.  The date is September 12.  If you didn’t read yesterday’s “brilliant” post, I still think you can guess as to why I didn’t make my normal goofy Friday post.  But I can’t hold the freaks back any longer.  They must come out.  Enjoy last week’s unusual search terms used to find my blog.

10. shirtless Seinfeld & michael vick shirtless – It’s actually two separate posts, but I didn’t want to give them their own separate entry this week because it’s the third time this combination has been used to find my blog.  If I wanted to get Perez Hilton type traffic to my blog, I think all I would have to do is post a picture of a male celebrity shirtless once a day.  I am confused and concerned by this fascination. 

9. i suck at fantasy football – Here we see the major difference between sports and fantasy sports.  Sports builds self-esteem whereas fantasy sports seems to destroy self-esteem. 

8. harry ape + willem Dafoe – I’m assuming they meant “hairy ape,” and if that’s the case I may be to blame for this pairing.  Click here to see what I mean.  Sorry, Mr. Dafoe.  You don’t really look like a monkey… that much.

7. young ted kennedy shirtless – Wow!  A search for a male shirtless celebrity!? That hardly ever happens. This does bring up a good question.  Will Teddy go the way of Elvis when it comes to recalling his legacy?  Will he be put into the same two categories, young Teddy and fat Teddy?  And will the post office let the public vote on which version of the Senator will appear on the commemorative stamp?

6. short science shave mustache fiction – This just proves the power of language.  Individually theses words all make perfect sense.  Thrown together randomly, they can make your head explode trying to decipher what this person was trying to find.  I’m pretty sure Google died trying to find matches for this search.

5. steve perry moustache – What I love about this one is that there is someone out there who thinks like me.  Yes I am a freak, too.  It’s good to know I’m not alone.

4. christopher walken fat – Hey, at least it’s not Christopher Walken shirtless. 

3. naked cop photos – Looks like someone’s trying to get out of a speeding ticket. 

2. nasty feet – Okay, I’m not a foot fetish guy, but I would think if you’re going to have an odd fascination with feet, it would at least be for attractive feet.  BTW – I’m thinking they were directed to my blog because I’ve done a couple of posts about Bigfoot and because of the excerpts I post from my new book Lost Days. (Nice, I just wedged in a plug for my next book in a discussion about nasty feet.  I am good!)

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. shrek biography – You know he’s not real, right?  I would think that the ears and the green complexion and the… animation would have given it away, but Shrek is just a highly advanced, comically drawn, computer generated character in animated movies.  In other words, he’s a big fat phony!  At least that’s what Foghorn Leghorn claims in his tell-all memoir!

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The Suckiest Fantasy Football Team That Ever Did Suck!

Did I mention that my fantasy football team sucks!

And by "your," I mean mine!

As if I didn’t have enough distractions, I am a fantasy football freak.  But I’m totally bummed.  I forgot about auto draft for my league yesterday and got hosed on my picks because I didn’t set up my pre-draft wish list.  This is my team:

Kurt Warner – He’s 102-years-old.

Chad Ochocinco – More self-promoter than player

Hines Ward – On the decline

Steven Jackson – Was good for about 20 minutes two years ago.

Chris Johnson – Great the running back on the Titans they don’t let score

Owen Daniels – Yea, he scored two TDs last year!

DeSean Jackson – This one might be okay.  He screwed me out of fantasy points last year when he spiked the ball before he crossed the goal line.  I’m assuming he won’t make that mistake again.

Kevin Smith – What everyone wants, a Detroit Lion on their fantasy football team!

Fred Jackson – Three TDs in two years.  In other words, he’s only scored three more TDs than me in his NFL career.

Deion Branch – Has only played one full season in 7 years.

Kyle Orton – Hey, at least it’s not Rex Grossman.

At least my writing productivity shouldn’t take much of a hit because I’m going to be out of this thing early.

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Cal Fails to Teach DeSean Jackson that One Must Cross the Goal Line with the Football to Score a Touchdown

Catch. Cross Goal Line.  Then Release.

Catch. Cross Goal Line. Then Release.

Eagles Wide Receiver and former standout for the Univerisity of California, DeSean Jackson acted like a rookie on Monday Night Football. In a game where every touchdown counted, Jackson caught a pass from Donavan McNabb and released the ball to celebrate before he actually crossed the end zone. Fortunately, the ball was ruled dead and his teammate Brian Westbrook scored on the very next play. No harm no foul, right? Wrong. Jackson is on my fantasy football team. He very nearly cost me in my matchup. I wonder how many football geeks like me got burned because of that bonehead move.