Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

Freaky Search Friday – September 4, 2009 edition. Freaks Welcome!

You have reached the end of the internet!

You have reached the end of the internet!

It’s Freaky Search Friday.  This is the day of the week I celebrate all you freaky interwebs types.  I’ve combed through the search terms used to find my blog and picked the top 10 freakiest searches. As always, I don’t edit the search terms for spelling or grammar.  I do, however, add my own special little commentary.

10.  top 10 love phrases for girls – Because nothing impresses a girl like love phrases.

9. cats are jerks – I’m actually proud of this one because I invented this phrase.  Click here to see what I mean.

8. really shocked girl – Shocked by bad love phrases, no doubt. 

7. shirtless celebrities – This is a continuing theme on the interwebs. People loves them some shirtless celebrities.  Don’t believe me?  See the next two search terms.

6. “michael vick” shirtless – Personally, I’d prefer he be jobless, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

5. jerry seinfeld shirtless – You remember that song “Too Sexy For My Shirt.”  Little known fact, it was written about Seinfeld.  In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “What is wrong with these people?”  BTW – The Vick-Seinfeld shirtless combo is a repeat combo on the top ten Freaky Search Friday list.  Some people just can’t get enough.

4. gorilla ass – A little advice, if you’ve stooped to searching for “gorilla ass,” it’s time to step away from the keyboard and take a break from the interwebs.  There is literally nothing left to see here.

3. tattoos for girls on face – I am totally confused by the structure of this term.  What do they really want, tattoos that are made for a girl’s face or tattoos for a guy’s face meant to attract girls?  Either way, might I suggest one of the top 10 love phrases for girls as your choice for tattoo.

2. im alive tattoo – Just a thought, but if you need a tattoo to let people know you are alive, you may have some serious medical issues.  I suggest making an appointment with your family physician before investing in the tattoo. 

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. you owe me money – If you’re using google to find someone who owes you money, I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and guess you have a serious problem managing your funds.  Google is good, but I think you’re going to have to be a little more specific.  Better yet, just let it go.  You’re never going to see that money.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine