Freaky Search Friday – November 13, 2009 Edition

"I was nude once. It was 1984 and my pants caught on fire..."

The freak is in the house, awe-oh!  The freak is in the house, awe-oh!  Sorry, got carried away.  Here they are, a little later in the evening than usual, but I made it. These are the freaky and funny search terms people used to find my blog.  How these queries brought them to my blog, I don’t know, but one should never question the power of the freaky search term.  Enjoy and keep the freak flag flying, people.  I need you.    

10. how tall jeff Goldblum – He big tall.

9. Jay Cutler suck 5 – Five?  He sucks 17.  As in, he’s thrown 17 interceptions in 9 games.  How many interceptions has Kyle Orton thrown? 

8. “jay cutler” sucks – Only if you expect him to win.  Otherwise, he’s the greatest quarterback who ever lived in his own mind. 

7. real live ghost caught on tape – Note to beginning ghost hunters, you’ll never find a real “live” ghost.  Try looking for the dead ones.

6. day of the dead tattoos – Now this is a tattoo I would consider getting… but not on my face.

5. star tattoos for girls – Could a star tattoo really be gender specific?  What makes one star tattoo more girly than another?

4. worst face tattoo – The worst face tattoo is called a face tattoo.

3. nasty puppies – Cute, loveable puppies are so last year

 2. dog with toupee – Dogs with toupees came up a couple of times last week.  I guess Hair Club for Dogs finally opened for business

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. skip holtz, nude – Oh… ah… no…  You can’t really want to see… I mean I don’t even think Skip Holtz wants to see Skip Holtz nude…. Wait, I’m feeling a little dizzy…. Let me get some fresh air…. Oops… I think I… Yep, I stabbed a pencil in my eye to try and rid myself of the horrible image of Skip Holtz nude.  Thank you for that, interwebs.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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Freaky Search Friday… Saturday – September 12 Edition

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... Cmon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... C'mon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Back to the silly and inane.  Welcome to the Saturday edition of Freaky Search Friday.  The date is September 12.  If you didn’t read yesterday’s “brilliant” post, I still think you can guess as to why I didn’t make my normal goofy Friday post.  But I can’t hold the freaks back any longer.  They must come out.  Enjoy last week’s unusual search terms used to find my blog.

10. shirtless Seinfeld & michael vick shirtless – It’s actually two separate posts, but I didn’t want to give them their own separate entry this week because it’s the third time this combination has been used to find my blog.  If I wanted to get Perez Hilton type traffic to my blog, I think all I would have to do is post a picture of a male celebrity shirtless once a day.  I am confused and concerned by this fascination. 

9. i suck at fantasy football – Here we see the major difference between sports and fantasy sports.  Sports builds self-esteem whereas fantasy sports seems to destroy self-esteem. 

8. harry ape + willem Dafoe – I’m assuming they meant “hairy ape,” and if that’s the case I may be to blame for this pairing.  Click here to see what I mean.  Sorry, Mr. Dafoe.  You don’t really look like a monkey… that much.

7. young ted kennedy shirtless – Wow!  A search for a male shirtless celebrity!? That hardly ever happens. This does bring up a good question.  Will Teddy go the way of Elvis when it comes to recalling his legacy?  Will he be put into the same two categories, young Teddy and fat Teddy?  And will the post office let the public vote on which version of the Senator will appear on the commemorative stamp?

6. short science shave mustache fiction – This just proves the power of language.  Individually theses words all make perfect sense.  Thrown together randomly, they can make your head explode trying to decipher what this person was trying to find.  I’m pretty sure Google died trying to find matches for this search.

5. steve perry moustache – What I love about this one is that there is someone out there who thinks like me.  Yes I am a freak, too.  It’s good to know I’m not alone.

4. christopher walken fat – Hey, at least it’s not Christopher Walken shirtless. 

3. naked cop photos – Looks like someone’s trying to get out of a speeding ticket. 

2. nasty feet – Okay, I’m not a foot fetish guy, but I would think if you’re going to have an odd fascination with feet, it would at least be for attractive feet.  BTW – I’m thinking they were directed to my blog because I’ve done a couple of posts about Bigfoot and because of the excerpts I post from my new book Lost Days. (Nice, I just wedged in a plug for my next book in a discussion about nasty feet.  I am good!)

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. shrek biography – You know he’s not real, right?  I would think that the ears and the green complexion and the… animation would have given it away, but Shrek is just a highly advanced, comically drawn, computer generated character in animated movies.  In other words, he’s a big fat phony!  At least that’s what Foghorn Leghorn claims in his tell-all memoir!

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