Freaky Search Friday – January 22, 2010 Edition


This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this edition of Freaky Search Friday, but I just thought I might as well post it now because it's just a matter of time before someone searches for a shirtless Bert Convy!

So, it’s been a while, but they’re back!  The freaks in all their freaky glory.  These are the weird and wacky search terms some folks used to find my blog.  I’ve decided not to number them any more.  That’s prejudicial of me.  I’ll leave it up to you to pick the best.  Besides, I love using bullet points!  They are so much fun.

  • how many books oz chronicles by r. w. ridley – Okay, so this isn’t a freaky search, but I just felt obligated to include it because a.) It’s cool that someone cared enough about the Oz Chronicles to search the interwebs for information on them, and 2.) This is the perfect opportunity to tell you that I am working on Book 4.  It’s coming soon!  I promise.
  • friend logo – Don’t brand your friends, dude.  Just let them be themselves.
  • awesome gorilla – Gorillas are totally awesome!  My wife and I just adopted four of them!  More on that later.
  • jerry seinfeld nudes – Nudes?  I prefer him clotheds.
  • p90x almost passed out – I too almost passed out from P90X.  But as Tony says, do your best and forget the rest.  I was smart enough stop before I actually hit the floor.  BTW – I’m on about day 150.  Love me some P90X.
  • mrs lane kiffin – Only weird because of the volume of searches for Mrs. Lane Kiffin.  It was by far the number one search term during that whole Tennessee Football debacle.  She’s as pretty as her husband is disloyal to a football program.
  • is bigfoot real the truth please – First of all, thank you for saying please.  Second of all, he is so real.  You’re welcome.
  • failing is okay – I agree unless you’re a parachute.  I would pretty much insist you have a 100% success rate in that case.
  • Leatherboobs – This has appeared before.  What up with that?  I think this is because my friend Woody made a comment that someone found her blog using this word.  I’ve got nothing against fake boobs, but that’s just a bit ridiculous.  Technically, I think cow utters are leather boobs.
  • jeff Goldblum favorite sandwich – Hmmmm, searching for a celebrities favorite sandwich, yep that’s pretty much why they invented the interwebs.   I believe Mr. Goldblum is a sandwichetarian.   He’s really into sandwich rights, although I  think  he still eats gyros.  Hypocrite!

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Freaky Search Friday on Saturday… Sunday, December 19… 20, 2009 Edition

Maybe you'd like to ask Mr. Cougar where humans are on the food chain!

Oye, am I late.  But the freaks are a forgiving bunch.  Here they are in all their glory.  The weird, freaky, and sometimes adorable search terms people used to find my blog.  If you see yours on here, remember, I’m not judging you, but everyone else is. 

10. nicely played, mr stephen king – I like this one because it’s worded in such a way to give the impression that this person was in the middle of an actual conversation with Stephen King.  Nicely played, anonymous googler.

9. bigfoot face to face – Sounds like a promo for an Oprah show.  “Coming up next, Bigfoot face-to-face.” 

8. stefanie meyer – Spelling fail.  Most people get the last name wrong.  Way to be different, anonymous googler. 

7. ed asner bare chested – Not shirtless, but bare chested.  It almost makes Ed Asner come off as sexy… Oh, man, now I’m really going to get some freaky search terms torpedoing my blog.

6. successful husband – Quick tell my wife that someone searching for a successful husband was directed to my blog… On second thought don’t.  Then I’ll have to explain why everyone looking for a shirtless Ed Anser is directed to my blog.

5. christorpher walking fat boy slim – You see why spelling matters?  Now everyone thinks Fatboy Slim has a bladder problem and some guy named Christopher is forced to walk him.  Okay, that’s what I think, anyway.  

4. where do humans come on the food chain – What an odd question.   I guess it’s useful information if you’re about to walk into the jungle or dive into the waters off the coast of Australia, but my impression is that most people searching for this kind of information on the internet aren’t really putting themselves in places where predators lurk about. 

3. peyton manning shirtless – Peyton’s first appearance on the shirtless charts.  I’m sure he’ll cherish this forever.

2. jerry seinfeld nude – And I thought Jerry Seinfeld shirtless was bad.  Seriously, we all know Seinfeld pretty well by now.  Does he seem like the kind of guy who would have nude pictures of himself lying around anywhere?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. zak bagans hairy pits picture – Ewww and yuk and barf nuggets.  Really?   Sometimes I imagine that celebrities are so insecure that they google weird stuff about themselves.  I almost believe that Zak was out one night, and he noticed that his hairy pits were showing so he hurried home to see if any of the paparazzi got a picture of it.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 25, 2009 Edition

I am not, nor have I ever been a woman!

Ugly Evolution or Hottest Man Alive?

My favorite day of the week is here!  Not because it kicks off the weekend, but because I get to write my Freaky Search Friday weekly post.  Lest you think otherwise, I love all you freak out there.  You’ve made my blogging life interesting.  Keeping freaking it up!  These are the top ten freakiest search terms people used to find my blog this past week.  Enjoy!

10. маленькие татуировки –Gobidy-goop to you, too.  I think it’s Russian.  If so, it makes perfect sense for my blog to find its way in this persons search results.  I’m known for my Russian prose.

9. evolution photos, ugly to pretty – Sure Australopithecus africanus is no runway model, but ugly?  That’s kind of harsh.

8. monster suit – For that very special meeting when just a normal suit won’t do.

7. is jeff goldblum sick? – That depends on what you mean by sick!  Oh, rim shot!

6. what are nice pauses in a story – I wouldn’t know. All my story pauses are vicious.

5. carrot head steroids & carrot head plastic surgery– The man spends years developing an act and a style and people still can’t get his name right.  It’s Carrot Top!  Carrot head is just ridiculous.

4. poop identifier – Identifying poop must be a growth industry because someone searched for “animal poop identifier” last week.   There is such a thing as too much information.

3.  poop in your car – I just don’t think I can do it.  I can’t even poop on a plane.

2. – Wow!  That is taking the concept of fake breasts way too far.  I guess technically that a cow’s utter could be considered leather boobs.  Or is that boob?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. hottest man alive – It’s my Russian roots that make me so damn good looking.  I can’t help but feel this persons absolute frustration when they clicked on my blog expecting to find the hottest man alive.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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Freaky Search Friday… Saturday – September 12 Edition

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... Cmon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... C'mon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Back to the silly and inane.  Welcome to the Saturday edition of Freaky Search Friday.  The date is September 12.  If you didn’t read yesterday’s “brilliant” post, I still think you can guess as to why I didn’t make my normal goofy Friday post.  But I can’t hold the freaks back any longer.  They must come out.  Enjoy last week’s unusual search terms used to find my blog.

10. shirtless Seinfeld & michael vick shirtless – It’s actually two separate posts, but I didn’t want to give them their own separate entry this week because it’s the third time this combination has been used to find my blog.  If I wanted to get Perez Hilton type traffic to my blog, I think all I would have to do is post a picture of a male celebrity shirtless once a day.  I am confused and concerned by this fascination. 

9. i suck at fantasy football – Here we see the major difference between sports and fantasy sports.  Sports builds self-esteem whereas fantasy sports seems to destroy self-esteem. 

8. harry ape + willem Dafoe – I’m assuming they meant “hairy ape,” and if that’s the case I may be to blame for this pairing.  Click here to see what I mean.  Sorry, Mr. Dafoe.  You don’t really look like a monkey… that much.

7. young ted kennedy shirtless – Wow!  A search for a male shirtless celebrity!? That hardly ever happens. This does bring up a good question.  Will Teddy go the way of Elvis when it comes to recalling his legacy?  Will he be put into the same two categories, young Teddy and fat Teddy?  And will the post office let the public vote on which version of the Senator will appear on the commemorative stamp?

6. short science shave mustache fiction – This just proves the power of language.  Individually theses words all make perfect sense.  Thrown together randomly, they can make your head explode trying to decipher what this person was trying to find.  I’m pretty sure Google died trying to find matches for this search.

5. steve perry moustache – What I love about this one is that there is someone out there who thinks like me.  Yes I am a freak, too.  It’s good to know I’m not alone.

4. christopher walken fat – Hey, at least it’s not Christopher Walken shirtless. 

3. naked cop photos – Looks like someone’s trying to get out of a speeding ticket. 

2. nasty feet – Okay, I’m not a foot fetish guy, but I would think if you’re going to have an odd fascination with feet, it would at least be for attractive feet.  BTW – I’m thinking they were directed to my blog because I’ve done a couple of posts about Bigfoot and because of the excerpts I post from my new book Lost Days. (Nice, I just wedged in a plug for my next book in a discussion about nasty feet.  I am good!)

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. shrek biography – You know he’s not real, right?  I would think that the ears and the green complexion and the… animation would have given it away, but Shrek is just a highly advanced, comically drawn, computer generated character in animated movies.  In other words, he’s a big fat phony!  At least that’s what Foghorn Leghorn claims in his tell-all memoir!

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Freaky Search Friday – September 4, 2009 edition. Freaks Welcome!

You have reached the end of the internet!

You have reached the end of the internet!

It’s Freaky Search Friday.  This is the day of the week I celebrate all you freaky interwebs types.  I’ve combed through the search terms used to find my blog and picked the top 10 freakiest searches. As always, I don’t edit the search terms for spelling or grammar.  I do, however, add my own special little commentary.

10.  top 10 love phrases for girls – Because nothing impresses a girl like love phrases.

9. cats are jerks – I’m actually proud of this one because I invented this phrase.  Click here to see what I mean.

8. really shocked girl – Shocked by bad love phrases, no doubt. 

7. shirtless celebrities – This is a continuing theme on the interwebs. People loves them some shirtless celebrities.  Don’t believe me?  See the next two search terms.

6. “michael vick” shirtless – Personally, I’d prefer he be jobless, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

5. jerry seinfeld shirtless – You remember that song “Too Sexy For My Shirt.”  Little known fact, it was written about Seinfeld.  In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “What is wrong with these people?”  BTW – The Vick-Seinfeld shirtless combo is a repeat combo on the top ten Freaky Search Friday list.  Some people just can’t get enough.

4. gorilla ass – A little advice, if you’ve stooped to searching for “gorilla ass,” it’s time to step away from the keyboard and take a break from the interwebs.  There is literally nothing left to see here.

3. tattoos for girls on face – I am totally confused by the structure of this term.  What do they really want, tattoos that are made for a girl’s face or tattoos for a guy’s face meant to attract girls?  Either way, might I suggest one of the top 10 love phrases for girls as your choice for tattoo.

2. im alive tattoo – Just a thought, but if you need a tattoo to let people know you are alive, you may have some serious medical issues.  I suggest making an appointment with your family physician before investing in the tattoo. 

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. you owe me money – If you’re using google to find someone who owes you money, I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and guess you have a serious problem managing your funds.  Google is good, but I think you’re going to have to be a little more specific.  Better yet, just let it go.  You’re never going to see that money.

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