Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks.  There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude.  And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again.  I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week.  I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop.  Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky.  It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley.  It works for a boy or a girl.  Why Zombie?  Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog.  People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer.  The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out.  That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera.  I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture.  In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress?  In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy?   I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again.  Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases.  There are none!  Time travel is impossible.  I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already.   Try to follow me on this one.  Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks!  This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week.  Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback.    Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL.  He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting.  Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh.  Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft!  I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns.  I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor.   “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason?  What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld.  My impressions even suck in writing.)

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Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog (Second Edition)

Clowns age so well.  Its really hard to tell his age!

Clowns age so well. It's really hard to tell how old he is!

It is time to get freaky.  For those of you catching up, I’m planning on making this the regular Friday post for my blog.  I’ve noticed over the past year and a half that people find my blog by using some of the most unusual search terms.  Some of them are funny, and some of them are disturbing.  The best are disturbingly funny!  I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough to choose from this week, but you freaky people never disappoint.  If you are one of the freaks, thank you.  You’ve made my Friday’s much easier.

10 – sonic crustacean – I just thought this one was a great band name.  “We are Sonic Crustacean!”

9 – picture of nazis with bear – This one falls under the category of truth is stranger than fiction.  Click here to see what I mean.

8 – letter of thanks to television – “Dear television, thanks for the great party.  I really had a blast, and I’m really sorry for throwing up on your ficus tree.  I have learned my lesson.  Cocktail weenies and 22 shots of Jagermeister definitely do not mix.  Rock on, television!”

7 – wordpress divorce – I had no idea WordPress’ marriage was in trouble.  I hope there was a prenup.  Do I have a say in who gets me in the divorce?

6- old man as a clown – “Funny how?  Like a clown?”   The sad thing is there is someone out there who is known as the old man clown to somebody else on this planet.

5 – mmmmmmmm flickr – Obviously, Homer Simpson has learned to google, and he thinks flickr is delicious.

4- jeff goldblum + shirtless – I’m starting to think that a week won’t go by without somebody out there searching for a shirtless male celebrity.  There’s got to be a way to make money from this fetish.

3- circumsized penis photos – What?  The thing that really scares me is that someone typed this into their favorite search engine and they were directed to my blog.  Let me assure you.  There has never been nor will there ever be a penis, circumcised or otherwise, on this blog.

2 – tattoo girls magazine – “I only look at it for the articles… which appear as tattoos on girls in the magazine.”

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – why am i obsessed with michael Jackson – Wow!   I had no idea that you could actually hook your brain up to a search engine and get answers to your most intimate pressing questions.  It’s possible your fixation stems from your inability to think for yourself.  If you’re looking to the interwebs to find the source of your obsession, you have much bigger problems!

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog

Again with shirtless celebrity search?

Again with the shirtless celebrity search?

Apparently,  my blog is a gateway to the interweb for freaks and rumor mongers.  I often share with friends some of the most bizarre keywords people use to find my blog.  My buddy Hannah suggested I make it a weekly post.  I thought, “Wow what a perfect idea.  It takes very little effort, and fulfills my blog post a day commitment.  Yea, Hannah.”

So I give you the first installment of “Freakiest Searches of the Week.”  I will post them as they appear in my statistics without benefit of editing.  I want you to get the total feel of the kind of people that visit this blog.  BTW – I’m not making fun of you.  It’s the other people that read this blog.  You’re cool.  I’ve always told people that about you.

10 – sci-fi original movies suck – Not so much freaky as true.  I’ve stated as much many times myself on this very blog. I just appreciate the “straight to the point” nature of the search terms used.

9 –  the takers movie february 19, 2009 – This one may only be freaky to me.   Did someone make a movie out of my book without telling me?  I talked to a couple of Hollywood film guys a few years ago, but they dropped off my radar.  Quick, check IMDB and see if I need to call a lawyer!

8 – getting over rejevtion – Rejection is terrible, and I’ve written about it a couple of times here, but I have never written about “rejevtion.”  Me thinks I’ve spotted your problem.

7 – why didn’t mj and prince do a song – As far as I know, MJ and Prince did many songs.  In fact, they built a career out of doing songs.

6 – how many times has brett favre come out – Now, you see, this is how rumors get started.

5 – michael  vick shirtless – Someone likes their psychopaths shirtless.  Sure he tortures dogs, but man, is he ripped!

4 – jerry seinfeld shirtless – Someone likes their observational humorists shirtless.  Sure he complains about airline food, but man, is he… ripped?  No really, is he?  Why would someone want to see Seinfeld shirtless?

3 – guy feet videos – I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

2 – pics breast from steroids – It’s hard to know whether or not this person saw this as a benefit or concern.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1.  old ladies with tattoos – Part of me is glad I don’t know who the person is that googled this particular string of words, but another part of me would love to know so I can inform the authorities!

For the record, I am proud to proclaim that most of the people who crafted these search terms were sorely disappointed when they arrived at my blog.

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