Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog (Second Edition)

Clowns age so well.  Its really hard to tell his age!

Clowns age so well. It's really hard to tell how old he is!

It is time to get freaky.  For those of you catching up, I’m planning on making this the regular Friday post for my blog.  I’ve noticed over the past year and a half that people find my blog by using some of the most unusual search terms.  Some of them are funny, and some of them are disturbing.  The best are disturbingly funny!  I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough to choose from this week, but you freaky people never disappoint.  If you are one of the freaks, thank you.  You’ve made my Friday’s much easier.

10 – sonic crustacean – I just thought this one was a great band name.  “We are Sonic Crustacean!”

9 – picture of nazis with bear – This one falls under the category of truth is stranger than fiction.  Click here to see what I mean.

8 – letter of thanks to television – “Dear television, thanks for the great party.  I really had a blast, and I’m really sorry for throwing up on your ficus tree.  I have learned my lesson.  Cocktail weenies and 22 shots of Jagermeister definitely do not mix.  Rock on, television!”

7 – wordpress divorce – I had no idea WordPress’ marriage was in trouble.  I hope there was a prenup.  Do I have a say in who gets me in the divorce?

6- old man as a clown – “Funny how?  Like a clown?”   The sad thing is there is someone out there who is known as the old man clown to somebody else on this planet.

5 – mmmmmmmm flickr – Obviously, Homer Simpson has learned to google, and he thinks flickr is delicious.

4- jeff goldblum + shirtless – I’m starting to think that a week won’t go by without somebody out there searching for a shirtless male celebrity.  There’s got to be a way to make money from this fetish.

3- circumsized penis photos – What?  The thing that really scares me is that someone typed this into their favorite search engine and they were directed to my blog.  Let me assure you.  There has never been nor will there ever be a penis, circumcised or otherwise, on this blog.

2 – tattoo girls magazine – “I only look at it for the articles… which appear as tattoos on girls in the magazine.”

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – why am i obsessed with michael Jackson – Wow!   I had no idea that you could actually hook your brain up to a search engine and get answers to your most intimate pressing questions.  It’s possible your fixation stems from your inability to think for yourself.  If you’re looking to the interwebs to find the source of your obsession, you have much bigger problems!

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