The freaks came out in droves this past week. It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category. Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities. In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks. As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.
10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples. This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet. Vick comes up over and over again. But Own Daniels? He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.
9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.
8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there. Plus, I totally invented this. I’ve got video proof. As far as time, do whatever feels right.
(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)
7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands. It’s poop. Isn’t that all you really need to know?
6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what? And why? And why would you google your own pooping intentions?
5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.
4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention. Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs. If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.
3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky. Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.
2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor. Second, here’s a great rule of thumb. If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening. Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.
And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:
1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends. Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical. Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell. No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline. I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request. No need to mail him back.