If Gorillas…. (Part 16)

If gorillas celebrated Thanksgiving they’d deep fry their turkeys in banana oil.  And they would probably have some kind of banana side dish. And all their mealtime conversation would be about bananas. It would be cute at first, but half way through the the meal you’d probably excuse yourself from the table,sneak into the garage, and try to invent a time machine with whatever you could find so you could go back in time and not invite the gorilla to your Thanksgiving dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly neighborhood gorilla chef!

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If Gorillas… (Part 11)

If gorillas get drunk and pass out, and you’re their true friend, you should take pictures of them.  When they sober up, show them the pictures and ask them if they’re proud.  If they’re honest, they’ll say no and check themselves into rehab.  If that doesn’t work, post the pictures on Facebook and tell all your friends to share it with their friends.  Eventually your gorilla friend will find out what you did and rip your arms off for making a fool out of them.  But, Some day your gorilla friend will come around and thank you for caring enough to jeopardize your friendship by posting the pictures.

But, honestly, you’ll probably still be pissed at your gorilla friend for ripping your arms off and all the thank yous in the world won’t mean much to you at that point… unless you get some way cool robot arms from the government.  That would be awesome!

Share this picture so I can get some way cool robot arms!

If Gorillas… (Part 10)

If gorillas go to a press conference and they aren’t called on to ask the first question, they pout and threaten to throw poop on everyone.  They don’t get invited to many press conferences.

Things are about to get really ugly.

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If Gorillas … (Part 6)

If gorillas see Jennifer Aniston out in public, they lock her in the trunk of the nearest car.  It sounds cruel, but it’s really for her own good, and honestly, she doesn’t mind it at all.

"No, Angilena didn't tell me to do this. Why do you ask?"

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Freaky Search Friday – December 4, 2009

I give you clown badman... I mean zombie tattoo face... or is that Willem Defoe?

Freaky Search Friday is back. HEY-HO-HEY-HO-HEY-HO, We were on a brief break due to the holidays, but the freaks didn’t go anywhere.  They were out there tapping unusual words and phrases into their favorite search engine, waiting to be led to a website that would satisfy their morbid curiosity.  Instead, they wound up here where they probably felt ridiculed and judged.   Just because I call you freaks doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  Me blog es su blog!

bad gorillas – How do you discipline a 400 pound gorilla?  No, seriously.  I really want to know.  My gorilla’s be acting up lately.

man tattoos – Gender assigned tattoos? 

3300 pound stingray video – That is a huge video. 

clown badman – If you ignore the spelling, this may be the greatest oxymoron ever to appear anywhere. 

zombie tattoo face – What a great name for a rock band.  Ladies and gentleman, Zombie Face Tattoo! 

who’s as good a writer as suzanne Collin – There are few writer’s as good as Suzanne Collin’s.  She’s one of a kind, but since you here, you might as well check out my books. 

willem defoe ugly – Now that is uncalled for.  Sure, I’ve called him less than attractive before, but it’s endearing when I say it.  You’re just a jerk.

don’t sell me anything – Okay, don’t perform voluntary surgery on me or give me a haircut or shave my back…. Well, how much to shave my back?

cat wig book – Let me get this straight.  Cat’s wear wigs, and there’s a book about it.  And to think, I thought all they did was throw up every 15 minutes for no apparent reason. 

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

 picture of gorilla ass – This has appeared on the list before, and sadly versions of the search came up a couple of times this week.  Guys, I like gorillas a lot, but this kind of thing is wrong.  Way wrong.  It couldn’t be wronger.  Stop it.  Stick to your own primate species. 

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