Freaky Search Friday – October 30, 2009 Edition

Jeff George was Jay Cutler before Jay Cutler was Jay Cuter!

This week’s Freaky Search Friday is decidedly less freaky than previous weeks.  There were a lot of shirtless male celebrity searches, and for some reason people want to see Donna Reed and Ed Asner nude.  And apparently identifying animal poop is really a popular activity because it hit the list this week again.  I decided to sprinkle in a few repeat searches that aren’t freaky, but they come up week after week.  I’ll do my best to give these poor souls some answers to their very pressing questions.

10. win a laptop facebook 2009 november – Admittedly, I’m only including this one because it allows me to promote my drawing for a free laptop.  Join the Lost Days Facebook group to learn more!

9. walken ridley – Not freaky.  It just gave me an idea what to name my first child (should I ever have one), Walken Zombie Ridley.  It works for a boy or a girl.  Why Zombie?  Do you have to ask?

8. greatest meltdown ever – I’ve learned two things from this blog.  People want to see as much famous people’s skin as they can, and People love to watch other people suffer.  The greatest thing that could ever happen to society is if a naked celebrity freaks out.  That would be interwebs gold.

7. when are you supposed to take pictures – I find the best time to take pictures is when I have a camera.  I’ve tried it without one, and I was really disappointed in the results… Unless you’re talking about stealing a picture.  In that case, I’d wait until no one’s looking.

6. fantasy clown dresses – Could there possibly be such a thing as a fantasy clown dress?  In what twisted mind would a clown dress be a fantasy?   I think I’d rather see Ed Asner nude.

5. time travel cases – This exact wording comes up over and over again.  Let me clear this up for those of you who are searching for time travel cases.  There are none!  Time travel is impossible.  I am 100% sure about this because if time travel was possible it would have happened already.   Try to follow me on this one.  Logic dictates that once the time travel barrier is broken, time no longer is a barrier to the ability to travel through time, so time travel will always have existed at that point and every point in time.

4 . jay cutler record – Sucks!  This search appears probably about half a dozen times a week.  Jay Cutler has good skills, but he is not a good quarterback.    Unless he checks his ego at the door, he will never be a winner in the NFL.  He has the worst attitude in the NFL since Jeff George.

3. jeff goldblum shirtless jurassic park – This week’s shirtless celebrity is the king of charmingly awkward acting.  Everyone knows that the Jurassic period had the best shirtless celebrities.

2. top 5 world of warcraft meltdowns – I’ve never seen a game cause such Agmas Nefesh.  Meltdowns have become synonymous with World of Warcraft!  I’ve never played, but I feel like I’m suffering from secondary World of Warcraft meltdowns.  I think they should be required to include a warning label with this game.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. jerry seinfeld nude – This week’s nude celebrity is the king of observational humor.   “You ever notice when you’re famous people want to see you nude for some reason?  What is wrong with these people?” (Kind of a mixture of Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld.  My impressions even suck in writing.)

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My Seinfeld Script

The episode that never was!

The episode that never was!

About 15 years ago I wrote a spec script for Seinfeld.  I mailed it to Seinfeld, Hollywood, CA, and I’m sure it promptly landed in the trash upon arrival.  I’m going to do my best to find it and post it here for download, but keep in mind it was originally saved on a floppy disk. It may be long gone.  I had no idea how to structure a script for television, but I went to the bookstore, found a few teleplays and just copied the format.

Each cast member had their own storyline.  Here’s what I remember:

Jerry – While exiting the coffee shop, Jerry is accosted by a crazy bum who tells him his nipples are driving making him insane.  From that point on, Jerry becomes acutely aware of his nipples.  He can’t stop thinking about them.  It gets to the point where Jerry goes to a doctor to see if there is anything that can be done for his nipples.

Elaine – For some reason, Elaine is accused of being a Rush Limbaugh fan.  She goes out of her way to prove that she is militant liberal.  I have no idea where this subplot came from, but I just remembering that I thought being called a conservative would really set Elaine off.

George – Everyone’s favorite neurotic starts dating a supermodel, but to his horror he catches her on the toilet.  It is too much for him.  He has to breakup with her.  Jerry agrees with him that anyone who has the word “super” in her name should be beyond the need to go to the bathroom.

Kramer – The wild-haired neighbor devises a get rich quick scheme that his fail proof.  As a novelty (think pet rock), he will create an adoption program for celebrities’ butts.  He begs Jerry to put his butt up for adoption.  Jerry of course refuses, but when Kramer learns that Jason Robards will be in town, he is convinced that the legendary actor will jump at the chance to put his butt up for adoption.  A proctologist (this is pre-Assman, btw) with ties to the mafia fronts Kramer the start-up money.  When Kramer can’t deliver any butts, the proctologist sends some goons to get his money back.

This, my friends, is proof that not every idea is a good idea.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that wrote a spec script for their favorite TV shows.  Anyone else want to fess up?

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