I blame our cynical world. Just as I was about to pull out of a parking space yesterday, I was surprised by an elderly woman knocking on my driver side window. I may have screamed… in a very manly way. I rolled down the window, and she explained to me she had just had surgery on her feet, and she would really appreciate a ride to the mall so she wouldn’t have to walk the whole way. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had in my head immediately after she made the request:
Me 1: Dude, you’re not supposed to give strangers rides.
Me 2: Says who?
Me 1: Mom.
Me 2: That was when I was 16. I’m 44, now. I don’t think the same rules apply.
Me 1: She’s going to totally kill you.
Me 2: Look at her. She’s old and frail. I could totally take her if she tried anything.
Me 1: What if she has a gun?
Me 2: Her? She looks like somebody’s grandmother.
Me 1: That is the perfect cover for a serial killer.
Me 1: Serial killers are almost always men. Don’t you pay attention when we watch Dexter?
Me 2: What about that Charlize Theron movie? She was a serial killer in that.
Me 1: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that one. She was a hooker, and she only killed her johns. I think I’ll be okay as long as I don’t offer her money in exchange for sex.
Me 2: Dude, you’ve been staring at her for like a minute and a half without saying a word. You have to give her an answer.
Me 1 (to elderly lady): Sure. Get in.
Me 2: Stick to the main road. Think like a cat. She pulls a gun, pounce before she can react. Her reflexes have probably slowed over the years.
It is so sad that I suffer from that amount of paranoia. Maybe it’s the books I write, or the movies I watch, or the cable news networks, but when did this become the kind a society where I have to come up with a plan of action to defend myself against a gun wielding elderly woman who just had foot surgery? All ended well. I dropped her off at her destination and there was almost no gun play involved.