That Lady Gaga, she’s a wild one. What do you expect from the most judgment-free human being on the planet?
I’ll admit it. I don’t get Lady Gaga. The outfits, the… well, it’s mostly the outfits. I actually don’t think I’ve listened to enough of her music to comment on it. Her brand is a laboratory mixture of Madonna, Cher, and Elton John. In the past, I didn’t mind her enough to comment on her because I wasn’t exposed to her that much, but she’s been dominating all forms of media this week, and none of it has been coverage about her talent. It’s all been about that stupid meat dress she wore at the MTV awards show. Oye, that dress. That stupid, stupid dress. Turns out she didn’t wear it because she wanted to attract bears. It was a political statement. The statement? She’s showing support for her fans who’ve been kicked out of the military because of an equally stupid don’t ask don’t tell policy in the military. That’s right she wore a dress made out of meat to protest don’t ask don’t tell. Meat…. discrimination against gays in the military…. don’t help me…. I think I can figure this out…. is the meat gay? Oh, wait! I see the problem. It doesn’t make sense!
She revealed this brilliantly lame excuse to Ellen DeGeneres earlier this week, and this is where she said one of the most annoying, self-congratulatory, egotistical things I’ve heard a celebrity say in a long time.
“As you know, I am the most judgment-free human being on the earth.”
Really? So, in Lady Gaga’s JUDGMENT she’s the most judgment-free human being on the earth. That is an odd thing for someone who is protesting something to say. Protesting usually comes with a heightened sense of judgment. And is the Dalai Lama aware that he’s been judged more judgmental than Lady Gaga by Lady Gaga.
As far as what she’s protesting, I happen to agree with her in this case. Don’t ask don’t tell is unbelievably stupid, but c’mon, surely there’s a better spokesperson out there than someone who wears a meat dress as a sign of solidarity. It’s like the Rubiks Cube of protests. Who the hell can figure it out?
I clearly am not the most judgment-free human being on the earth. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m late for my fitting for my ice cream suit to protest whaling. Don’t judge me!
I have a very resilient gag reflex. It takes a lot to make me wretch like a frat boy, but I have found something that will move me to worship the porcelain gods with disturbing ease. Nausea maker thy name is Speidi! I have never watched a single iota of a millisecond of MTV’s The Hills which means I should be totally unfamiliar with the show and the schmucks and schmuckettes that make up the cast. But alas that is not the case. I know way too much about them. I see them on magazine covers in the supermarket. They appear on my favorite interweb news outlets. They seemingly spontaneously pop up on my TV set at least 250 times a week. All of them are bad, but none of them get under my skin quite like Heidi and Spence. My fingers ache from having to type their names. They are two of the most undesirable people I think I have ever seen acquire celebrity status. To the kids out there, these are not people to emulate. In fact, I would feel more comfortable recommending they be immolated (I am totally kidding. Do not set them on fire…. A lot.).
I am so offended by these people that I have decided to create our country’s first citizen’s tax. You’ve heard of a citizen’s arrest where an average citizens takes it upon themselves to arrest a criminal. I am taking it upon myself to tax everyone associated with Speidi. Every time I see their image I am collecting a tax. Their parents owes me a tax. Their representation owes me a tax. MTV owes me a tax. The president of TV owes me a tax. The state of California owes me a tax. The FCC owes me a tax. Speidi owes me a tax. I’m even going after the camera operators and support staff. Everyone (no matter how small their role) should pay for perpetuating this unholy travesty. I recommend you all do the same so you too can at least profit from being subjected to their stomach turning fame. Fame officially means nothing.
It is nostalgia day. Back in another life, I worked in Nashville on the very fringe of the music industry. I actually worked for a guy who did syndicated country music television shows. I was cameraman, director, writer, editor, production assistant, guy who swept the floor. It was a two man operation, and I was both men. Anyway, I tended to involve myself in the music scene more seriously than I do now. There was a guy in Nashville at the time by the name of Judson Spence. He wasn’t a country music performer. He actually broke onto the mainstream scene with a couple videos that got some play on MTV. I went to a music venue called the Canary a couple of times to see him perform. I was sure he was going to make it big. Twenty years later, I can’t find anyone who’s heard of him. He doesn’t even rate a “where are they now” segment on VH1. I couldn’t find his video on Youtube, but I did find one of his songs, “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.” It’s a little poppy, but it was 1988. Grunge rock was two years away. Anyone got any ideas on what Judson Spence is doing now?
At first I thought Scribner had signed a deal with Tila Tequila to have her actually read a book, but no, they have signed a deal to publish a book she wrote or allegedly wrote titled Hooking Up with Tila Tequila. In case you don’t know who Tila Tequila is, here’s a short video of her from youtube. In it, you’ll actually hear her say, “I have to get my nails did.”
If you haven’t gouged out your own eyes by now, you can read the article about this deal here: Publishers Weekly – Scribner Signs Internet Celeb Tila Tequila
My favorite quote from the article:“Hooking Up with Tila Tequila is the book her fans have been waiting for” Really? Her fans have been waiting for a book? Really?
And yes! I am bitter!
Note: All will be forgiven if Scribner offers me a contract. I can be bought.