Congratulations, Hines Ward. You’re the biggest jerk in the NFL!

Great Wide Receiver! Even Greater Jerk!

This past week Hines Ward questioned the commitment and toughness of the quarterback who helped him earn two Super Bowl rings.  Why?  Because Ben Roethlisberger chose to follow the team’s medical personnel’s advice and sit out Sunday’s game because of a concussion.  Here’s what Ward had to say about that decision:

“This game [Sunday’s against Baltimore] is almost like a playoff game,” Ward told NBC’s Bob Costas. “It’s almost a ‘must’ win. So, I can see some players or some teammates kind of questioning like, ‘Well, it’s just a concussion. I’ve played with concussions before. I would go out there and play.’ So, it’s almost like a 50-50 toss-up in the locker room … I’ve been out there dinged up. The following week, [I] got right back out there.”

This is stupid on a couple of different levels.  Roethlisberger has played hurt many times in the past.  Questioning his toughness shouldn’t even be consideration.  The truth is admitting that you played with a concussion doesn’t make you look tough.  It makes you look like an idiot. 

What really bothers me is that the message that this sends to young players who look up to Ward.  Thanks to his comments they are now more likely to put their health at risk and play when they shouldn’t.  You can do serious permanent neurological damage if you decide to play through a concussion.

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This is very disappointing.  I used to like Hines Ward.

Genius, thy name is Peyton Manning.

The Genius!

At the risk of jinxing the guy, I have to say that I’ve been watching football for a couple of decades now, and I have never  before seen anyone master the position of quarterback like Peyton Manning.  I’ve always known he was good, elite even, but this is the first year I’ve thought he may actually be the greatest quarterback to ever play the game.  I know.  I know.  There are quarterbacks with more yards and more championships and greater athleticism.  I get it.  I’ve seen a lot of them play to.  Joe Montana was a gutsy player that won championships.  Terry Bradshaw was a gator fed Louisiana boy that could sling the ball a country mile.  John Elway (my favorite) had an arm and the uncanny ability to scramble his way into big plays.  Marino was the best pure passer that ever lived, and yes, Tom Brady is up there to.  The guy wins.  You can’t take that away from him.

But Manning isn’t just winning.  He isn’t just piling up the yards.  He isn’t just collecting touchdowns like stamps.  He’s dictating the tempo and pace of the game all by himself.  To all intents and purposes, he is the offensive coordinator of the Indianapolis Colts.  How good is Manning?  He made Belichick go for one of the most ill-advised 4th downs I have ever seen.  Why?  Because he was so afraid of giving the ball back to Manning, he made the decision he had nothing to lose by trying to get the first down.  Teams aren’t just making defensive calls to try and stop Manning.  They’re making offensive calls to try and keep the ball out his hands. 

This past Sunday Houston had a 17 point lead on the Colts, and I promise there wasn’t a person watching that game who thought that was a big enough lead to beat Manning, not even the Texans.  Everyone knew that he would make up the deficit.  The question was how many receivers he would use to get there, and how many touchdowns he would actually beat them by. 

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Freaky Search Friday – October 9, 2009 Edition

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

"Dude, my feet are huge!"

Freak Search Friday is on!  This is the day of the week where I spotlight all the freaks who find my blog using their freakier than freaky search terms.  Yes, you’re freaks, but I love you!  It was actually hard to come up with 10 choices this week.  A lot of the searches had something to do with NASA’s evil plan to blow up the moon.  But I picked through the list and chose 10 that gave me pause, which is much better than giving me paws.

10 – zak bagans shirtless & Michael Vick Shirtless – Your male shirtless celebrities for the week.  Ed Asner appeared again, but I honestly don’t have the stomach to include it again.

9 – chanel fantasy movies – I had no idea that Chanel had expanded beyond perfume.  Hey, their movies can’t be any worse than SyFy original movies.

8 – comedy and old ladies – Because nothing says belly laughs like old ladies.  I’m sure they were not disappointed at all to find my Old Ladies on a Plane web series!

7 – florida plane lands championchips – There are so many things wrong with this search term it’s hard to know where to begin.  I will say nothing goes better with a cold beer than championchips.  And what, where, & why did this Florida plane land?

6 – batman sasquatch youtube – You thought Sasquatch was elusive .  Try getting any evidence of the Batman Sasquatch.

5 – my fantasy football team sucks – You are not alone, my friend.

4 – 4 yr old channels kurt russell, miracle – First, it was a good reenactment, but Kurt Russell still did a much better job.  No knock on the kid.  He was cute and entertaining, but Kurt’s been an actor for a long time.  He was on a Gilligan’s Island episode for Skipper’s sake.  You can’t discount training like that.  Second, I’m pretty sure that you can’t channel people who are living… Actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t channel people at all.

3 – why nasa wants to blow up the moon – I got a lot of “NASA blowing up the moon” hits this past week.  I realize I contributed to the confusion by using the headline “NASA wants to blow up the moon!”  I was fairly certain that people would get the joke, but due to the nature of some of the search terms, I can say unequivocally that there are people on this planet who think that NASA actually wants to blow up the moon.

2 – nasa plane to blow up the moon – What is NASA the Taliban?  They’re flying planes into celestial objects now?  Plus, if NASA can fly a plane to the moon, what the hell are they doing hanging on to the Space Shuttle program?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – who wants to blow up the moon? – The mice want to blow up the moon.  It’s their diabolical plan to get cheese to rain down on Earth!

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Football So Far

Could the Super Bowl be a family affair this year?

Could the Super Bowl be a family affair this year?

I’ve been watching football attentively for almost 30 years now.  You would think I would have learned a thing or two along the way, but apparently, I’m as clueless now as I was the first game I actually sat down and paid attention to.  Nevertheless, that has never stopped me from sharing my opinions on all things pigskin.  Here’s what I’ve observed so far this season:

College: The Florida Gators are a great football team, but they are not the number one team in the country.  I know it’s theirs to lose, but they’ve yet to play a top 25 opponent, and their vaunted defense has looked inconsistent at times.  I think Alabama is the number one team in the country, and oh by the way, Boise State could end the season at number two.  They dismantled an Oregon team the first game of the year so badly that we all thought Oregon was a really bad team.  Turns out, Oregon is pretty darn good.  Oregon may very well win the PAC 10.  If Oregon wins out and Boise State wins out, it’s going to be tough to keep Boise State out of the National Championship game (mythical as it may be).   I’m picking LSU to lose this week, and Alabama will eliminate Florida or if I’m wrong about Florida, they will eliminate Alabama.  Texas has a gauntlet of games left that include Oklahoma and a conference championship if they make it that far.  There are a lot of chances for Boise State to take that number two spot.

NFL: I’ve watched two Colts’ games this year, and I have to tell you, I’ve never seen Peyton Manning this relaxed.  He’s always been able to manage a game better than anybody, but this year he’s managing games better than even Peyton Manning.  When Bob Sanders comes back, the defense will up its game, and the Colts will be hard to keep out of the Super Bowl.  The scary thing is the Giants are looking good, too.  Their running game is awesome, and their defense can dominate a game.  We could have a Manning brothers’ Super Bowl this year.  BTW – My Panthers suck!  Tim Tebow could be a Carolina Panther next year… if we didn’t give away our first round pick.

Fantasy: Proof positive I have no idea what I’m talking about.  The team I complained about earlier this year is 3-0.  I tweaked the roster a little, but not enough to make the claim that I’m a fantasy football genius.  The other team where I spent time lining up the picks for the draft is 1-2.  And that one win was by the skin of my fantasy teeth.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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Jay Cutler’s Record as a Starting QB Since College is 28-54!

I average almost 6 wins a year as a starting NFL quarterback.  What else do I have to do?

"I average almost 6 wins a year as a starting NFL quarterback. What else do I have to do?"

Somewhere along the line Jay Cutler has decided that he has proven himself enough to warrant star treatment.  His record as a starter in college and the pros is a whopping 28 wins against 54 losses.  His career quarterback rating in the NFL is 87.1.  He finished 16th among all NFL quarterbacks in 2008, and he played his team out of the playoffs on the final week and got his head coach fired.  I’m not sure what he thinks he’s doing being so unprofessional and childish.  He may be the first player in history to actually become less mature the more years he plays in the National Football League.  In my opinion, the Broncos need to dump him.  He’s becoming the same kind of distraction that Favre was for Green Bay last year. may have gotten it right with their phony story before the 2006 NFL draft.  Hey, even satire can be prophetic. 


Note to the NFL: Get a sense of humor!

When Donovan McNabb was pushed out of bounds on the Giant’s sidelines with the game well in hand, he found himself near the phones to the coaching booth and decided to have a little fun. He picked up the phone and mocked a call to the booth. It was funny! Unlike most celebrations that are contrived and premeditated, this one was a spur of the moment, good-natured jab. Laugh it up, NFL officials. McNabb made the final three minutes watchable.

I just called to say I love beating the Giants!

"I just called to say I love... beating the Giants!"