Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog

Again with shirtless celebrity search?

Again with the shirtless celebrity search?

Apparently,  my blog is a gateway to the interweb for freaks and rumor mongers.  I often share with friends some of the most bizarre keywords people use to find my blog.  My buddy Hannah suggested I make it a weekly post.  I thought, “Wow what a perfect idea.  It takes very little effort, and fulfills my blog post a day commitment.  Yea, Hannah.”

So I give you the first installment of “Freakiest Searches of the Week.”  I will post them as they appear in my statistics without benefit of editing.  I want you to get the total feel of the kind of people that visit this blog.  BTW – I’m not making fun of you.  It’s the other people that read this blog.  You’re cool.  I’ve always told people that about you.

10 – sci-fi original movies suck – Not so much freaky as true.  I’ve stated as much many times myself on this very blog. I just appreciate the “straight to the point” nature of the search terms used.

9 –  the takers movie february 19, 2009 – This one may only be freaky to me.   Did someone make a movie out of my book without telling me?  I talked to a couple of Hollywood film guys a few years ago, but they dropped off my radar.  Quick, check IMDB and see if I need to call a lawyer!

8 – getting over rejevtion – Rejection is terrible, and I’ve written about it a couple of times here, but I have never written about “rejevtion.”  Me thinks I’ve spotted your problem.

7 – why didn’t mj and prince do a song – As far as I know, MJ and Prince did many songs.  In fact, they built a career out of doing songs.

6 – how many times has brett favre come out – Now, you see, this is how rumors get started.

5 – michael  vick shirtless – Someone likes their psychopaths shirtless.  Sure he tortures dogs, but man, is he ripped!

4 – jerry seinfeld shirtless – Someone likes their observational humorists shirtless.  Sure he complains about airline food, but man, is he… ripped?  No really, is he?  Why would someone want to see Seinfeld shirtless?

3 – guy feet videos – I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

2 – pics breast from steroids – It’s hard to know whether or not this person saw this as a benefit or concern.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1.  old ladies with tattoos – Part of me is glad I don’t know who the person is that googled this particular string of words, but another part of me would love to know so I can inform the authorities!

For the record, I am proud to proclaim that most of the people who crafted these search terms were sorely disappointed when they arrived at my blog.

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