Freaky Search Friday – October 16, 2009 Edition

Was she a babe?  Yes, but shes the wholesome type, people.  Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Was she a babe? Yes, but she's the wholesome type, people. Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Freaky search Friday is here!  Let the freak party roll.  The freaks must be gearing up for Halloween, because they don’t seem to be on the interwebs as much as they have been in the past.   Once again, I’m not judging you.  I’m just laughing at you.

10. helicopter fishing marlin – This is quite the evolved marlin.  And what bait do you use to catch helicopters?

9. zombie how to get rid of them – I’ve found the best way to get rid of zombies is to only serve vegetarian meals. They’ll stop coming around.

8. i smell the dead movie – I suggest cremation or burial.  You may also need to fumigate.

7. coolest gorilla – This one makes me smile.  To think, someone was directed to my site to find the coolest gorilla.  While they probably found this picture, I like to think they were looking for Ajax.  Ajax is the coolest gorilla.  If you don’t know who Ajax is, then this is an awkward moment for both of us.  Read my book and all will be forgiven.

6. what fish carries its babies in its mout – I don’t know the fish, but don’t tell Octomom about this.  She doesn’t exactly make the best decisions when it comes to child rearing.  We don’t need to give her any ideas.

5. jeff goldblum favorite food – According to what I learned about the Jeff from The Fly (My favorite Non-Woody Allen movie with Jeff Goldblum in it), he likes sugary food that he can throw up on. I know I’ve picked on Goldblum a few times on this blog, and I have nothing against him, but I do find it weird that he has such a rabid fan base.  They want to see him shirtless.  They want to know his favorite food.  They want to know his birthday. Blah, blah, blah.  I just never knew he had that kind of following.

4. topless male celebs 2009 – Somebody got tired of searching for shirtless male celebrities one at a time.  There were several queries for shirtless male celebrities this week.  It would be exhausting to include them all.  BTW – Can men be topless?  Topless to me suggests something that it is taboo.  This also reminds me of my favorite newspaper headline.  My brother-in-law saw it in either the Daily News or the Post. I can’t remember which one.  “Headless Body Found in Topless Bar!”

3. degrees of wizardry – While normal people may find this search bizarre, it’s not that crazy.  It is possible to get a degree of wizardry at Flamel College.   It just goes to show you there is a place for everybody.

2. http://www.donnareed nude .com – No joke, there were over half a dozen searches for some variation of the term, Donna Reed nude.    Now, the good news here is that every time some one searches for nude pictures of Donna Reed an angel gets its wings.  Wait for it…. Wait for it… You got it!

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. NASA blows the moon – This is an example of how crucial it is to include every word you intended in an online search.  Without the word “up”, this search has an entirely different meaning.  In all fairness, I think that NASA and the moon are just friends.  If anything, they have engaged in some handholding in the past, but that’s as far as it’s gone.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 18, 2009 Edition

No way Im paying the shipping on this!

No way I'm paying the shipping on this!

The freaks came out in droves this past week.  It was actually hard to whittle the choices down to just ten, and in some cases I cheated by combining a couple of searches into one category.  Mainly you people who really love your shirtless male celebrities.  In fact, I’m getting so many of them, I’m considering not counting them as “unusual” or freaky anymore…. Nah, you people are still freaks.  As always, I don’t edit the search terms, but I do provide biting commentary.

10. walken shirtless, owen daniels shirtless, michael vick shirtless – Here we have three separate searches all looking for the same thing, famous male nipples.  This is what I get for being thankful that no one had looked for pictures of Christopher Walken shirtless yet.  Vick comes up over and over again.  But Own Daniels?  He’s barely in the NFL let alone a celebrity.

9. smoking crack phrases – Looks like someone is prepping for their SATs.

8. how long should i forman a poptart – Another search that proves that there are freaks like me out there.  Plus, I totally invented this.  I’ve got video proof.    As far as time, do whatever feels right.

(BTW – You can refer to the next three as our poop section of the list)

7. animal poop identifier – Someone has way too much free time on their hands.  It’s poop.  Isn’t that all you really need to know?

6. i will follow you home and poop in your – In my what?  And why?  And why would you google your own pooping intentions?

5. kanye west dog poop – Yo, Kanye, I know your dog just pooped and all, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce’s dog’s poop is way better than your dog’s poop.

4. guitar with feet – What a brilliant invention.  Now, you no longer have to carry your guitar to gigs.  If they can just add arms, it can play itself, and the guitar player will be totally unnecessary.

3. freeky face tattoos – I personally think tattooing the word “freeky” on your face would be really freaky.  Also, any tattoo on your face is freaky.

2. how to bag your neighbors wife – First, I’m hoping this guy isn’t my neighbor.  Second, here’s a great rule of thumb.  If you need instructions on how to “bag” someone, it ain’t happening.  Your time would be better spent trying to identify animal poop.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. mail me friends – Get your own damn friends.  Not only is it illegal to mail friends, the shipping charges would be astronomical.  Not to mention that once the friends arrived (assuming they didn’t die in transit), they would totally hate you for having me put them through that hell.  No sir, I am going to have to respectfully decline.  I’ll mail you my attorney with my official letter of intent to decline your request.  No need to mail him back.

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Freaky Search Friday… Saturday – September 12 Edition

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... Cmon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Foghorn Leghorn Shirtless... C'mon, you knew it would come to this eventually!

Back to the silly and inane.  Welcome to the Saturday edition of Freaky Search Friday.  The date is September 12.  If you didn’t read yesterday’s “brilliant” post, I still think you can guess as to why I didn’t make my normal goofy Friday post.  But I can’t hold the freaks back any longer.  They must come out.  Enjoy last week’s unusual search terms used to find my blog.

10. shirtless Seinfeld & michael vick shirtless – It’s actually two separate posts, but I didn’t want to give them their own separate entry this week because it’s the third time this combination has been used to find my blog.  If I wanted to get Perez Hilton type traffic to my blog, I think all I would have to do is post a picture of a male celebrity shirtless once a day.  I am confused and concerned by this fascination. 

9. i suck at fantasy football – Here we see the major difference between sports and fantasy sports.  Sports builds self-esteem whereas fantasy sports seems to destroy self-esteem. 

8. harry ape + willem Dafoe – I’m assuming they meant “hairy ape,” and if that’s the case I may be to blame for this pairing.  Click here to see what I mean.  Sorry, Mr. Dafoe.  You don’t really look like a monkey… that much.

7. young ted kennedy shirtless – Wow!  A search for a male shirtless celebrity!? That hardly ever happens. This does bring up a good question.  Will Teddy go the way of Elvis when it comes to recalling his legacy?  Will he be put into the same two categories, young Teddy and fat Teddy?  And will the post office let the public vote on which version of the Senator will appear on the commemorative stamp?

6. short science shave mustache fiction – This just proves the power of language.  Individually theses words all make perfect sense.  Thrown together randomly, they can make your head explode trying to decipher what this person was trying to find.  I’m pretty sure Google died trying to find matches for this search.

5. steve perry moustache – What I love about this one is that there is someone out there who thinks like me.  Yes I am a freak, too.  It’s good to know I’m not alone.

4. christopher walken fat – Hey, at least it’s not Christopher Walken shirtless. 

3. naked cop photos – Looks like someone’s trying to get out of a speeding ticket. 

2. nasty feet – Okay, I’m not a foot fetish guy, but I would think if you’re going to have an odd fascination with feet, it would at least be for attractive feet.  BTW – I’m thinking they were directed to my blog because I’ve done a couple of posts about Bigfoot and because of the excerpts I post from my new book Lost Days. (Nice, I just wedged in a plug for my next book in a discussion about nasty feet.  I am good!)

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. shrek biography – You know he’s not real, right?  I would think that the ears and the green complexion and the… animation would have given it away, but Shrek is just a highly advanced, comically drawn, computer generated character in animated movies.  In other words, he’s a big fat phony!  At least that’s what Foghorn Leghorn claims in his tell-all memoir!

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Janet Reno Shirtless!

The closest thing I could find to a shirtless Janet Reno.

The closest thing I could find to a shirtless Janet Reno.

OMG!  I can’t believe you actually clicked on a link to see Janet Reno shirtless!  Janet Reno is a brilliant public servant and legal mind.  Can’t you just love her for her mind?  I’ve been discussing this whole shirtless celebrities thing with my fellow bloggers, and we are concerned!  What is this obsession with seeing celebrities shirtless?  Okay, some of them make sense, but Alan Baxter said that he’s had people find his blog by searching for topless pictures of Stephen King (which he doesn’t have, btw)!  Stephen-friggin’-King!  I have to tell you, I’ve seen King in a sleeveless t-shirt, and I was appalled.  I don’t want to think about him shirtless.  He’s the greatest horror novelist of my time, but I’m willing to bet that one good look at his pecs may send you really screaming into the night.  All due respect to Mr. King, but he’s not exactly known for his physique.

So what is it? Why do you want to see people like Janet Reno, Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen King, Neil Gaiman, Ed Asner, Jack Nicholson, etc. shirtless?  Why the curiosity to see people not known for their rock hard abs bare chested?  What gives?  The answer better be good because I am quickly losing faith in my fellow man.

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog (Second Edition)

Clowns age so well.  Its really hard to tell his age!

Clowns age so well. It's really hard to tell how old he is!

It is time to get freaky.  For those of you catching up, I’m planning on making this the regular Friday post for my blog.  I’ve noticed over the past year and a half that people find my blog by using some of the most unusual search terms.  Some of them are funny, and some of them are disturbing.  The best are disturbingly funny!  I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough to choose from this week, but you freaky people never disappoint.  If you are one of the freaks, thank you.  You’ve made my Friday’s much easier.

10 – sonic crustacean – I just thought this one was a great band name.  “We are Sonic Crustacean!”

9 – picture of nazis with bear – This one falls under the category of truth is stranger than fiction.  Click here to see what I mean.

8 – letter of thanks to television – “Dear television, thanks for the great party.  I really had a blast, and I’m really sorry for throwing up on your ficus tree.  I have learned my lesson.  Cocktail weenies and 22 shots of Jagermeister definitely do not mix.  Rock on, television!”

7 – wordpress divorce – I had no idea WordPress’ marriage was in trouble.  I hope there was a prenup.  Do I have a say in who gets me in the divorce?

6- old man as a clown – “Funny how?  Like a clown?”   The sad thing is there is someone out there who is known as the old man clown to somebody else on this planet.

5 – mmmmmmmm flickr – Obviously, Homer Simpson has learned to google, and he thinks flickr is delicious.

4- jeff goldblum + shirtless – I’m starting to think that a week won’t go by without somebody out there searching for a shirtless male celebrity.  There’s got to be a way to make money from this fetish.

3- circumsized penis photos – What?  The thing that really scares me is that someone typed this into their favorite search engine and they were directed to my blog.  Let me assure you.  There has never been nor will there ever be a penis, circumcised or otherwise, on this blog.

2 – tattoo girls magazine – “I only look at it for the articles… which appear as tattoos on girls in the magazine.”

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1 – why am i obsessed with michael Jackson – Wow!   I had no idea that you could actually hook your brain up to a search engine and get answers to your most intimate pressing questions.  It’s possible your fixation stems from your inability to think for yourself.  If you’re looking to the interwebs to find the source of your obsession, you have much bigger problems!

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The top ten freakiest searches of the week – unusual phrases people used to find my blog

Again with shirtless celebrity search?

Again with the shirtless celebrity search?

Apparently,  my blog is a gateway to the interweb for freaks and rumor mongers.  I often share with friends some of the most bizarre keywords people use to find my blog.  My buddy Hannah suggested I make it a weekly post.  I thought, “Wow what a perfect idea.  It takes very little effort, and fulfills my blog post a day commitment.  Yea, Hannah.”

So I give you the first installment of “Freakiest Searches of the Week.”  I will post them as they appear in my statistics without benefit of editing.  I want you to get the total feel of the kind of people that visit this blog.  BTW – I’m not making fun of you.  It’s the other people that read this blog.  You’re cool.  I’ve always told people that about you.

10 – sci-fi original movies suck – Not so much freaky as true.  I’ve stated as much many times myself on this very blog. I just appreciate the “straight to the point” nature of the search terms used.

9 –  the takers movie february 19, 2009 – This one may only be freaky to me.   Did someone make a movie out of my book without telling me?  I talked to a couple of Hollywood film guys a few years ago, but they dropped off my radar.  Quick, check IMDB and see if I need to call a lawyer!

8 – getting over rejevtion – Rejection is terrible, and I’ve written about it a couple of times here, but I have never written about “rejevtion.”  Me thinks I’ve spotted your problem.

7 – why didn’t mj and prince do a song – As far as I know, MJ and Prince did many songs.  In fact, they built a career out of doing songs.

6 – how many times has brett favre come out – Now, you see, this is how rumors get started.

5 – michael  vick shirtless – Someone likes their psychopaths shirtless.  Sure he tortures dogs, but man, is he ripped!

4 – jerry seinfeld shirtless – Someone likes their observational humorists shirtless.  Sure he complains about airline food, but man, is he… ripped?  No really, is he?  Why would someone want to see Seinfeld shirtless?

3 – guy feet videos – I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

2 – pics breast from steroids – It’s hard to know whether or not this person saw this as a benefit or concern.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1.  old ladies with tattoos – Part of me is glad I don’t know who the person is that googled this particular string of words, but another part of me would love to know so I can inform the authorities!

For the record, I am proud to proclaim that most of the people who crafted these search terms were sorely disappointed when they arrived at my blog.

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