“r.w. ridley” shirtless – The brief return of Freaky Search Friday

Technically this is a picture of R.W. Ridley shirtless. Never say I don't give the public what it wants.

Freaky Search Friday hasn’t made an appearance on the blog in long time. To be frank, the same freaky stuff started reappearing over and over again. It got harder coming up with lame jokes for the same terms, and also, a little piece of my humanity died with each freaky search term. As a reminder, these are the search terms people have used to find my blog. I don’t know how these search terms led them to my blog. I suppose I may be the source of the freakish debris that is hitting my blog, but you can’t prove that… unless you read my blog.

  • hillary clinton reptile – Meet the latest cryptozoological craze. The Hillary Clinton reptile is a 5’4” lizard that never stands by its man and has a habit of secretly deposing Middle Eastern dictatorships. It’s been frequently photographed and it’s also been caught on several videos in front of microphones donning increasingly youthful hairdos to conceal its withering opportunities of becoming POTUS.
  • lady gaga in a bear – For her next tour, Lady Gaga will perform live inside a bear, or if the bear chooses to chew before swallowing, she will be just dead inside a bear. Either way, the tour will make millions.
  • fat crazy woman in straight jacket – For the record, I have never been a fat crazy woman. I have worn a straight jacket on a number of occasions, however. I find it’s the perfect garment when you want to save time hugging yourself.
  • megan fox caught – It’s about time someone caught her. She’s been running amok through overhyped big budget Hollywood films for far too long. I wonder if they used a clichéd script and a low-carb craft services table as bait?
  • “r.w. ridley” shirtless – I’m honored. Someone searched for me shirtless. I feel like I’m somebody now. Just for the record, there are very few shirtless pictures of me that exist, and I think the world is a better place for it. However, if money gets tight, I will return that call from Playgirl and finally agree to do that spread… what do you mean Playgirl went out of business?
  • chuck testa shirtless – Nope. It’s just Chuck Testa. Crap! So much for thinking I’m part of an elite group. If you people want to see Chuck shirtless, you want to see anybody shirtless. Okay, I’ll admit it. I kind of want to see him shirtless, too.
  • zombie children – Sure they’re kind of bitey, but they’re much easier to raise than live children. They leave you with so much free time because they never get invited to birthday parties, and forget about having to drive them all over town going to all those pesky extracurricular activities because zombie children usually don’t have the hand-eye coordination or viable brain function to participate in those sorts of things.
  • dog in meditation – I’m a transcendentalist, but even I think this is crazy.
  • nasa wants to blow up the moon – In their defense, it does kind of get in the way when you trying look at stuff in space. Stupid moon.
  • old people clowns – Internet traveler, meet the world’s most disturbing fetish.

My Shirtless Author Photo

Thinking about doing my next author photo bare-chested!  If I’ve learned anything from this blog, it’s that people like shirtless stuff.  The question is what is more important to me, my dignity or my desire to give you male nipplage?  Ahhhh… morale dilemmas.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 23, 2009 Edition

This blog has gone hamster!

This blog has gone hamster!

It’s freaky-deaky time.  This is where I get to highlight all the freaks who find my blog by typing kooky and insane search terms into their favorite search engine.  I’m not hating.  I’m just sharing the love and awesomeness of the freaks.   If this is your first time here, you may want to catch up on past posts because there are definitely some disturbing trends.

10. Shirtless Male Celebrity Searches (I’m bunching them together this week): zak bagans, ted kennedy, ryan buell, michael vick, rw, jerry Seinfeld, ed asner, brad sciullo – The list is growing every week, and I don’t know who RW is but I’m assuming (and hoping) that it’s not me.  Because 1. I’m not a celebrity and 2. I haven’t been shirtless since ’99, in real life or photos.

9. short man with tattoos – Bizarrely specific? Yes!  But you’ve got to admire the person who googled this.  They know what they want.

8. is jeff goldblum attractive? – If you have to ask… maybe the next freaky search Friday entry will help you answer your question.

7.ladies love jeff Goldblum – I have it on good authority that Jeff Goldblum actually is the person who googled this.

6. jeff goldblum awkward – Apparently ladies love awkward.  Again, I have it on good authority that this too was Mr. Goldblum.  Looks like he has a self-esteem problem.

5. did michael jackson fear prince – Let’s face it Prince is an imposing figure.  The make-up, the high heel shoes, the lace, the come hither stare… Wait, what was I talking about?

4. hamster 80s term – I was around in the 80s.  We called hamsters, hamsters.  In all fairness, they are probably referring to this 80’s dating video.

3. nude male celebrities – Apparently shirtless just won’t do for some people.

2. donna reed nude – Again?  Why?  I must know.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. Ed Asner nude – You remember that scene in I Am Legend where Will Smith sees the Fred mannequin on the street, and he gets out of his SUV and screams in a panicked voice, “No!  No!”  That’s exactly how I felt when I first saw Ed Asner nude in the list of search terms used to find my blog.  Now, I’m just numb… cold and numb… and frightened.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 2, 2009 Edition

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture!  God, help me.

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture! God, help me.

Let’s get freaky people.  I give you the top ten freakiest search terms people used to find my blog.  BTW – I just feel compelled to clarify that I do not post nude pictures of anyone on this blog.  You may find a shirtless male celebrity or two, but that’s it.

10. living+hell+instrumental: Equals a night at a local orchestra performance.

9. i’ve just been ma’am’d: I know your pain.  Although, I’m guessing that you’re a woman, and it’s not quite as humiliating as it is for me.

8. tila tequila no clothes on: I just thought the wording was really bizarre.  “No clothes on,” is a really wordy way of saying naked or nude.  It’s almost like this interwebs surfer couldn’t bring himself or herself to be totally creepy.

7. animal poop identifier: Seriously, this is the third week that someone has searched for a poop identifier, and it came up on several occasions this week.  I had no idea there was so much demand for identifying feces.

6. jeff goldblum shirtless & michael vick shirtless: I’d like to welcome back two staples of the male shirtless celebrity club.  You two should hook up with Seinfeld and do a calendar.

5. search pictures of zak bagans shirtless:  Apparently this person thinks you have to tell the computer what to do.  Just so you know, it’s not necessary to tell a search engine to search.  They kind of know that’s what they’re supposed to do.  And another thing, I’m sure Zak has plenty of shirtless pictures of himself in his wallet.  Just try running into him on the street or something.

4. ryan buell with no shirt on – Again the wording fascinated me.  For future reference, “shirtless” is the preferred term for bare-chested male celebrities.  And another thing (again), shame on you.  He’s a baby-faced demon fighter.  He doesn’t have time to take his shirt off.

3. “donna reed nude”:  Are we thinking about the same Donna Reed, Mary from “It’s a Wonderful Life?”   She starred in “The Donna Reed Show” from 1958-1966?  She died in 1986?  Dude, how old are you?

2. i got to poop: Whether this person is saying they were allowed to poop or they have to poop, I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. ed asner shirtless: C’mon!  I refuse to believe that there is someone on the planet who actually had a desire to see Ed Asner shirtless.  Are you kidding me?  He’s Ed-Freakin’-Asner.  What were you thinking?  My brain is hurting just thinking about it.  Whoever you are, I’m grounding you.  No more interwebs for you.

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