Freaky Search Friday – November 6, 2009 Edition

A picture of Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009, his tall period

Had a wedding today, so my schedule is totally whacked.  I almost missed Freaky Search Friday.  Here they are in all their spectacular glory, the search terms loveable freaks used to find my blog.  Remember, I don’t correct spelling or grammar.  They are how they is.  Enjoy!  BTW – I gave the shirtless celebrities a break.  There were a bunch of them, but it’s no fun including them week after week. 

10. how to be a successful husband – I can help you.  Click here.  A lot of women thought I was being totally condescending and disrespectful.  I wasn’t at all.  I seriously mean to say that I am an idiot who deservedly gets myself in trouble every time I open my mouth or tries to do something on my own.  An example:  My wife can’t have cheese or dairy of any kind.  I bought a “natural” packaged pasta dish thinking she would like it because it was natural.  Never mind that the word cheese was in the actual name of the dish.  We’ve been married for almost 13 years.  I am not that bright.  Remember, be wrong a lot.   

9. chinny photos – I thought I made up a word this week when I called my author photo chinny.  Apparently, chinny is an actual condition.

8. too many facial tattoos – One is too many.

7. did faries exested – I’m about to blow your mind.  Nothing ever exested.  Think about it. 

6. p90x manboobs – What women should know about men.  We don’t mind being fat.  We just don’t like the man boobs phenomenon that comes with the extra pounds.  Beachbody.com (the makers of P90X) should do a 90 day program on how to get rid of unsightly man breasts.  It would be a huge seller. 

5. free naked pics of zak bagans – I’m thinking Zak should be insulted by this search.  Is it not worth at least a couple of dollars to see him naked?  How’s he supposed to be able to afford those tiny shirts he wears if he’s not making some extra scratch from naked pics?  Ghost hunting doesn’t pay that much, people.  Have a heart.

4. tall jeff goldblum, sept, 2009 – As opposed to short Jeff Goldblum.  Was he taller in September 2009 than any other time in his life? 

3. I want to see Ryan Buell nude – I’m endlessly fascinated by the specificity of some people’s searches.  They’re not just searching for a nude image of Ryan Buell.  They want the search engine to know that they specifically want to see Ryan Buell nude.  As if to say, “Work harder, search engine, because I want to see Ryan Buell nude.  I and I alone!”

2. girl face – Talk about someone who doesn’t have a type.  They’re just looking for a girl with a face.  Can you say, easy to please?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. gigantically man – See Jeff Goldblum in September of 2009.

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P90X – Why I bought it, and how I went from hating it to loving it!

Tony Horton - Youll love to hate what this guy puts you through!

Tony Horton - You'll love to hate what this guy puts you through!

Okay, so I am a weak minded couch potato that is unbelievably susceptible to infomercials.  Just ask Ron Popeil, George Foreman, Carleton Sheets, Anthony Robbins…. The list goes on and on.  Surprisingly, I have very little to show for my investment, unless you count regret and a thinner wallet.  You would think I would learn my lesson, but I have a sickness.  I must own cool, useless gadgets and programs.

In July of this year, I purchased yet another infomercial product, P90X, an exercise program that appeared to be designed by overtly cruel masters of torture and pain. In fact, over a period of a couple of years, I would stumble upon the P90X workout infomercial and think to myself, “Holy crap!  Those morons are crazy.  Why would they put themselves through a hellish exercise program like that?”  I watched them and laughed, and ate bacon, and laughed and ate mounds of butter and laughed and ate gooey fresh baked brownies and laughed…. You get the point.  I pitied them as I packed on 30 pounds of artery clogging fat.

And then I went to the beach.  Oh boy, did I go to the beach.  If you want to make a life change, take a picture of yourself in canary yellow shirt and baggy shorts.  Nothing will spring you into action faster.  I looked like a lemon with a weight problem.  I’ve been around a long time, and I’ve never seen the citrus-build as the preferred body-type for…. Anyone other than a citrus.

While I was at home, flipping through the pictures on my digital camera, trying to device a time machine so I could go back and take myself out every picture before they were even taken,  the P90X infomercial came on the TV I had turned on to drown out my cries of humiliation.  Those people I had laughed at before, I suddenly envied.  They weren’t fat like me.  They were in shape.  They were tone and fit and happily sweating their butts off.  So, after running it by my wife, I got online and purchased the program for around $120.  I made a commitment to myself and my wife that I would not let it collect dust in the wasteland of infomercial crapola.  I would actually use it.

The program itself consists of 12 workout DVDs, detailed guidelines, nutritional plan, and calendar.  I looked through the nutritional booklet, and cringed.   The recommended diet did not bother me.  The time that it would take to prepare each meal was more time than it would take to do the actual workouts.  So, I discarded the meal plan.  I decided to cut out fried foods, candy, sodas, and fast foods.  I cut down on the amount of red meat, and added more fish, fruits, and vegetables to my diet.

There were three variations of the 90 day program I could choose from; Classic, Doubles, and Cardio.  I went with Classic.  The program is split into three phases.  The concept is to pop in a DVD six days a week with a different exercise routine.  The seventh day is optional.  You can either do the stretching or rest.  I never rested.  I did the stretching program.  I was determined to do something every day for the entire 90 days.

The first day I woke up at 5:00 AM, did my meditation, walked into my garage, and lasted a total of 30 minutes out of the 53 or so minutes before I almost passed out.  I should note that there is a test you’re supposed to take before starting the program to gauge your readiness and fitness level.  They should include a test on how well you follow instructions because I didn’t realize I was supposed to take the test until I was a week into the program.  The second day I lasted 40 minutes.  The third day I went back to just 30 minutes.  The fourth day I finished the entire routine.  Sure it was “just” yoga, but I hated every horrifying hour and a half.  By week two, I was going through every routine in their entirety, albeit with extreme difficulty.  I even managed to do the Ab Ripper routine (A 16 minute bonus DVD.  They say bonus like it’s not torture.)

It took me 30 days before I could comfortably do 70% of the exercises.  It took me 60 before I could 90% without a problem.  In fact, the last 30 days, I changed over to the doubles routine, doing two workouts four days a week.  At the end of 90 days, I could do 99% of the routines.  The 1% I can’t do is because my body just doesn’t bend that way.  And yes, I did the entire 90 day program without missing a single day.  Yea for me!

Did it work?  The last time I felt this good was 1998.  I only lost 18 pounds, but I went down three pants sizes.  My man boobs are gone.  I am probably in the best condition of my life.  While I didn’t get the six-pack I wanted, I got a two pack.  And the best thing, I have the energy and desire to continue the program.  Day 90 was on September 28, and I have continued the program, not because I have to, but because I want to.  Is it easy?  It’s easier than looking at that picture of myself at the beach.

Was it worth the investment?  Absolutely!  I am not new to exercise.  I spent a lot of years in gyms and just got really bored with it.  P90X made working out fun again.

BTW – I owe Tony Horton (P90X creator and trainer) a huge apology.  I called him so many unpleasant names during that first 30 days.   I’d let him punch me if we should ever meet, but he could actually probably really hurt me, so I humbly ask for his forgiveness instead.

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