1 in 4 Americans is embarrassingly stupid!

Hold on.  About to crash.  CUL8TR - if I live!

"Hold on. About 2 crash. CUL8TR - if I live!"

According to a study done by Vingo, a mobile voice application company, 1 in 4 American’s admitted to texting while driving, proving once again that Americans really don’t get the concept of multitasking. Now, there is talk of creating a law that actually states you can’t text while driving. Really, people? A law? Let’s just save the trouble of having to pass future laws by making stupidity illegal. If we can’t do that, let’s just create a bunch of laws that state what you can’t do while driving. Here are few suggestions:

Do not grill while driving. Sure everyone likes a nice char grilled burger, but c’mon grilling is for the backyard.

Do not perform surgery while driving. This may only apply to actual surgeons. In fact, amateur surgery is never really a good idea.

Do not have any paranoid delusions while driving. Yes, I’m talking about you.

Do not attempt handstands while driving. This will be called the “Handstands While Driving Law,” but it will also apply to cartwheels, hula-hooping, and playing with yo-yos.

Do not shoot a major motion picture starring Robin Williams while driving. Strangely enough this only applies to movies starring Robin Williams. He can be very distracting.

Do not start a sovereign nation while driving. There’s a lot of paperwork and putting down of rebellions. Park first.

Do not practice any cool ninja moves while driving. You’re not a ninja. Give it up! If you’re a ninja reading this, please disregard this law and accept my trembling apologies, Mr. Supreme Ninja sir.

Do not attempt to drive a second car while driving. Do I really have to explain why this is a bad idea?

Do not try to figure out why New Kids on the Block got back together while driving. They have so tarnished their boy band legacy.

Do not create a “Do not do these things while driving” list while driving. Because, it’s depressing when you realize that as ridiculous as some of these things seem, people may actually try to do them while driving. You’re liable to drive into oncoming traffic.

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Rejected Twitter Words

I had way too many martweenies and tweetedup with a total tweek.

I had way too many martweenies and tweetedup with a total tweek.

Here is a list of words incorporating the letters T and W that were rejected by the Twitter community (Twitterverse). These words were deemed too corny, sappy or stupid by the Tweople. Use these words in a tweet and you’ll come off like a total twool.

Twitler – A hater in the first degree bent on total Twitter domination.

Twickle – Finding oneself in a troublesome Twitter related situation. As in, “I’m in a real twickle because I just spammed my followers with a Viagra RT.”

Twanilla – Plain, ordinary tweets that lack any RT worthy excitement.

Tweek – An obsessed tweeter with almost single-minded devotion to all things Twitter and perceived to be overly –intellectual.

Martweeni – An alcoholic beverage consisting of gin, vermouth, and an olive and ordered in mass quantities at tweetups.

Twistory – A collection of past Twitter updates.

Tweegret To feel sorrow or remorse for a tweet.

Twegnant – The state of being with child as the result of a tweetup where too many martweenis were consumed.

Twuilty – having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong against the Twitterverse.

Twupercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Word sung by school children in Vienna to describe the meaningless nature all words other than Twitter that begin with T-W.

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Twitter – Yet another way for me to be rejected! Or Twitxiety here I come!

Follow me... Please.

Follow me... Please.

I love Twitter. It is a great tool for me to get the word out about my books, and connect with people across this big blue and green globe of ours. I am happy I stumbled across it months ago, and then happened to talk to @thenextwriter who helped me understand its awesomeness. I see the traffic it generates for my blog, and for that alone, it’s worth the time and effort I put into it.

But (you knew it was coming), I do find myself experiencing two whole new levels of anxiety, or to reflect the spirit of the community let’s call it “Twitxiety.” And it is very much reminiscent of my days in high school when I was desperate to try to find a way to fit in. The Twitxiety stems from the all important “follow” status. Getting “followers” is akin to getting a prom date. You feel accepted in the virtual Twitter world. You feel worthy. Yippie, for me, someone likes me or fake likes me in order to try to get me to buy their nifty new way to make a million dollars online. That’s okay. They cared enough to pretend to like me, and I could always use a million dollars. The “follower” is da bomb as they used to say in my day.

And then there’s the “following,” but not being followed status. This is the no-response rejection. You find someone on Twitter you think is interesting; you click the “follow” button, and then they completely ignore you. It’s like sitting by your phone and waiting for them to call. You turn up the charm and say something clever in a “Tweet” hoping somebody they “follow” will “Retweet,” and they might somehow recognize your follow worthiness. And still nothing. You calculate your “Following” to “Followers” ratio and wonder where you went so wrong in life to be so rejected. My mother likes me. Then again if she had a Twitter account maybe she wouldn’t follow me either.

Worst of all, there is the dreaded “Unfollow.” You are so foul and loathsome that Twitters actually go out of their way to stop following you. It’s like someone breaking up with you or getting fired from your job. Sometimes you even have the urge to “Reply” to them (Direct Message is not an option if they aren’t following you), to ask them what you did. Maybe even try to convince them that you can change. You can be “follow” worthy.

I’m a writer. I’ve experienced enough rejection to warrant my own book in the Bible. I’m talking epic proportions of rejection. I can take it. For now, Twitter’s pros far outweigh the cons, but there’s a good chance I may have to go on some anti-Twitxiety medication.