If Gorillas… (Part 8)

"Dude, I cannot believe you don't have fangs!"

If gorillas see Robert Pattinson, they shout, “Fangs!  Fangs, Pattinson!  Vampires have fangs, you jerk!  And they don’t sparkle!”  Then they open their mouths to show him what they mean by fangs.  They never bite him though… not a lot.

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Forget Team Edward or Team Jacob! I’m Team Marlow!

I'm on Team Marlow

I’m making no comment on Stephenie Meyer’s writing talent with this next statement, but I have to say I hate Twilight. And I do so for one reason.  Meyer has turned vampires into mamby-pamby runway models.  They sparkle in the sun.  Sparkle!  Vampires are creepy, soulless monsters that have an uncontrollable blood lust.  They have one purpose, to feed on humans.

That’s why I’m joining Team Marlow.  Marlow is the head vampire of 30 Days of Night.

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DO NOT KILL UNICORNS!

An Oz Chronicle fan pets a unicorn right before he beats it to death with a piece of paper.

I think some of you misunderstood my post about selling more books than Stephenie Meyer this year.  I stated that unicorns would go extinct if I didn’t sell more books than the sparkling vampire queen.  Some how this has been translated into me encouraging fans of The Oz Chronicles to kill unicorns.  PLEASE DO NOT KILL UNICORNS!  I was simply saying the unicorns would die out of sadness if I didn’t sell more books than Stephenie Meyer this year.  Or the unicorns will be so enraged that they will go out on a murdering rampage that will make it necessary to kill them in self defense.   So the easiest thing to do here to save a unicorn is to buy an Oz Chronicle book. 

BTW – For those of you haven’t read the Oz Chronicle books, there are absolutely no unicorns in the book.  They just hate sparkling vampires that don’t have fangs and for some reason remain in high school even though they’re like 100 years old… and in fact aren’t really vampires.

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Stephenie Meyer gets figuratively kneecapped again by another bestselling author

Bestselling authors are apparently not big fans!

Bestselling authors are apparently not big fans!

Why are these authors putting me in the position of feeling sorry for Stephenie Meyer? I’m perfectly happy being jealous of her success, thank you. Stop making me come to her defense. First, it was one of my favorite authors, Stephen King, who gave her a literary smack across the face in February by saying she isn’t a very good writer. As much as I love Mr. King, I thought it was at worst a vicous thing to say, and at best an unnecessary thing to say. But he is Stephen King, and he has a reputation of shooting from the hip.

Now it is Jodi Picoult, an author with almost 14 million books in print, who’s taken a swipe at the already wounded Meyer. In the April 11 issue of Newsweek magazine, Picoult declares that “In terms of the literary content of the ‘Twilight’ books, they’re totally escapist. I think technically I am maybe a cut above.” In other words, I’m better than Stephenie Meyer. She does follow that statement with “Stephenie Meyer has gotten people hooked on books… and that’s good for all of us.” But the blow had already been delivered.

These quotes are pulled from an article titled and subtitled, Why Is It A Sin To Read For Fun? Jodi Picoult makes lots of people love books—but has she become too successful to be taken seriously? The focus of the article is whether authors have credibility just because they sell a lot of books. The answer is yes. I’m not the brightest guy on the planet, but even I know there is no accounting for taste. Denying a book’s merit just because I don’t like it or the Pulitzer Prize committee will never consider it is foolhardy, especially if that book happens to sell millions of copies and capture the hearts and minds of an entire generation of readers. To her credit, Picoult isn’t questioning the merit of Meyer’s books, but she is calling into question her level of talent. Again, I’m not sure it’s necessary.

I thought when Norman Mailer died the days of the author feud were over.

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