Twitter Needs Dead Comedians

I’ve been writing some stuff for Blogcritcs lately, and I’m actually having a great time doing it.  For some reason, I can cut loose on their site.  I have this fear that since I primarly write Young Adult fiction, I will corrupt the minds of my readers with my subversive and sometimes offensive views if I post them here.  Since I doubt my readers visit Blogcritics on a regular basis, it frees me up a bit.

So, young readers look away while I post this link to my latest Blogcritics post.  I call it Twitter Needs Dead Comedians.  It stems from a conversation I had with my wife.  We wondered what the world would be like if the dead had access to Twitter, specifically comics. I thought of things Sam Kinison might say, and she imagined Andy Kaufman tweeting his twisted and beautiful brains out.  Here’s a taste of the post:

Andy Kaufman would no doubt provide us with tweets that would give us a perfect  mix of confusion, enlightenment, and laughter. Office workers everywhere would  gather around their cubicles and dissect every one of the 140 characters like  Ivy Leaguers dissect the words of Yeats and Whitman.

You can read the entire article here: Twitter Needs Dead Comedians

The Power of Social Media

I’m a Twitterhead and Facebook nerd.  I used to use the excuse that I only do if to promote my books, but the truth is, I talk about my books very infrequently on both sites.  I actually like the Social Media experience.  It’s fun, and I know that makes me uncool, but I promise you there has never been a moment in my life where I was cool, so nothing has changed for me.  To see what I mean by the power of social media, watch this video by Erik Qualman (despite the subject matter, it is exceedingly cool):

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Old Ladies on a Plane – Episode 7 “Twitter is perverting the news!”

The ladies discuss the state of the television news industry today.  To summarize, Twitter is destroying the news! 

BTW – The ladies will be coming in for a landing next week.  Only time will tell if they fly again!

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1 in 4 Americans is embarrassingly stupid!

Hold on.  About to crash.  CUL8TR - if I live!

"Hold on. About 2 crash. CUL8TR - if I live!"

According to a study done by Vingo, a mobile voice application company, 1 in 4 American’s admitted to texting while driving, proving once again that Americans really don’t get the concept of multitasking. Now, there is talk of creating a law that actually states you can’t text while driving. Really, people? A law? Let’s just save the trouble of having to pass future laws by making stupidity illegal. If we can’t do that, let’s just create a bunch of laws that state what you can’t do while driving. Here are few suggestions:

Do not grill while driving. Sure everyone likes a nice char grilled burger, but c’mon grilling is for the backyard.

Do not perform surgery while driving. This may only apply to actual surgeons. In fact, amateur surgery is never really a good idea.

Do not have any paranoid delusions while driving. Yes, I’m talking about you.

Do not attempt handstands while driving. This will be called the “Handstands While Driving Law,” but it will also apply to cartwheels, hula-hooping, and playing with yo-yos.

Do not shoot a major motion picture starring Robin Williams while driving. Strangely enough this only applies to movies starring Robin Williams. He can be very distracting.

Do not start a sovereign nation while driving. There’s a lot of paperwork and putting down of rebellions. Park first.

Do not practice any cool ninja moves while driving. You’re not a ninja. Give it up! If you’re a ninja reading this, please disregard this law and accept my trembling apologies, Mr. Supreme Ninja sir.

Do not attempt to drive a second car while driving. Do I really have to explain why this is a bad idea?

Do not try to figure out why New Kids on the Block got back together while driving. They have so tarnished their boy band legacy.

Do not create a “Do not do these things while driving” list while driving. Because, it’s depressing when you realize that as ridiculous as some of these things seem, people may actually try to do them while driving. You’re liable to drive into oncoming traffic.

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Booktacts – The future of books

Booktacts - The book you can wear!

Booktacts - The book you can wear!

As an author and son of an ophthalmologist, I have been tinkering with a new invention in my basement that will revolutionize books, the booktacts. Basically, they are contacts fitted with wireless hyper radio wideband receivers that display text in ocular space. Yes, you read right, books you can wear. The booktacts can download any pdf or pcr file from any website. What’s more, you can control download functions and simple commands like highlighting and “send to printer” with a series of simple blink commands. I am coding them so they won’t download any Stephenie Meyer’s books because honestly, I am super jealous of her and really don’t want to give her access to another bestseller list.

In addition to being high tech, environmentally friendly, fabulously avant-garde readers, they are totally fashionable. They come in a variety of colors and can even be designed with team logos, obnoxious inspirational quotes, and slogans like “If you’re reading this, you’re way too close to my face.” I’m even working on mood booktacts. They change color depending on your mood while reading. Reading horror? They turn blood red. Reading a finance book? They turn money green. Reading erotica? They grow six inches.

I am not a scientist or a computer guy or an engineering-type person, and I don’t even have a basement, so the development stage has been really slow going, but I have tested a few prototypes on rats, and let’s just say, except for the blindness and brain damage, they work perfectly. I expect to start testing on humans as soon as I buy some duct tape and ether…. I mean as soon as my grant money comes in so I can pay a few test suckers…. subjects.

BTW – Tim O’Reilly claims to have come up with a revolutionary idea that will change books. You can read his article, Reinventing the Book in the Age of the Web, but it isn’t even close to being as cool as the Booktacts.

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Rejected Twitter Words

I had way too many martweenies and tweetedup with a total tweek.

I had way too many martweenies and tweetedup with a total tweek.

Here is a list of words incorporating the letters T and W that were rejected by the Twitter community (Twitterverse). These words were deemed too corny, sappy or stupid by the Tweople. Use these words in a tweet and you’ll come off like a total twool.

Twitler – A hater in the first degree bent on total Twitter domination.

Twickle – Finding oneself in a troublesome Twitter related situation. As in, “I’m in a real twickle because I just spammed my followers with a Viagra RT.”

Twanilla – Plain, ordinary tweets that lack any RT worthy excitement.

Tweek – An obsessed tweeter with almost single-minded devotion to all things Twitter and perceived to be overly –intellectual.

Martweeni – An alcoholic beverage consisting of gin, vermouth, and an olive and ordered in mass quantities at tweetups.

Twistory – A collection of past Twitter updates.

Tweegret To feel sorrow or remorse for a tweet.

Twegnant – The state of being with child as the result of a tweetup where too many martweenis were consumed.

Twuilty – having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong against the Twitterverse.

Twupercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Word sung by school children in Vienna to describe the meaningless nature all words other than Twitter that begin with T-W.

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RT – The Ultimate Web 2.0 Status Symbol

Will work for a RT!

"Will work for a RT!"

I think there is no question that Twitter is taking over the universe. I realized this when my wife joined and actually seemed excited about it. This is the same woman who begged me to convince our nephew that people of our generation didn’t have Facebook accounts. I had to sheepishly explain to her that I had a Facebook account. She was devastated that I had pulled her into the Web 2.0 universe. She is an infrequent visitor to her Facebook page, but for some reason there is a palpable joy in her voice when she talks about her Tweets.

This morning I told her I had included her in a #followfriday Tweet. She was confused. I assured her that it was a good thing. I was telling my “Followers” she was worthy of following. That ultimately it didn’t say anything about her if no one followed her because of it, but it said volumes about my popularity with my followers. At this writing, no one has followed her because of my recommendation. Thanks “Followers.” You just made me look like a complete ass in front of the woman I love.

But I digress. The conversation turned to the Re-Tweet or the “RT” in Twitter-speak. I described it to her as the ultimate Twitter status symbol. You’ve said something insightful enough, clever enough, interesting enough for other Tweeters to pass along to their Followers, upping your Twitter Cachet. We all strive to earn the RT. In essence, we all want to be loved by all the Tweople, big and small. In fact, it borders on being a sickness. Twitterville is replete with quotes, both humorous and inspirational, that are meant for no other reason to get that precious RT. To what end? To get more Followers. To be loved by the throngs of Tweople. To be the originator of a viral comment that spreads across Twitterville.

The question is can you contrive to create a micro post that is RT worthy? Or does it have to be organic? It’s a challenge to say something quotable in 140 characters or less. I’m sure that marketers are studying this phenomenon in order to create a formula that will ensure that they will spread RTs like typhoid, the 140 characters that will help them sell their wares. They’ll never find it. The RT has to be organic.

I have to go because two guys are talking loudly about politics at the table next to me in Starbucks. Kind of annoying and they aren’t saying anything RT- able. Feel free to RT this post and please follow my wife.

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