“r.w. ridley” shirtless – The brief return of Freaky Search Friday

Technically this is a picture of R.W. Ridley shirtless. Never say I don't give the public what it wants.

Freaky Search Friday hasn’t made an appearance on the blog in long time. To be frank, the same freaky stuff started reappearing over and over again. It got harder coming up with lame jokes for the same terms, and also, a little piece of my humanity died with each freaky search term. As a reminder, these are the search terms people have used to find my blog. I don’t know how these search terms led them to my blog. I suppose I may be the source of the freakish debris that is hitting my blog, but you can’t prove that… unless you read my blog.

  • hillary clinton reptile – Meet the latest cryptozoological craze. The Hillary Clinton reptile is a 5’4” lizard that never stands by its man and has a habit of secretly deposing Middle Eastern dictatorships. It’s been frequently photographed and it’s also been caught on several videos in front of microphones donning increasingly youthful hairdos to conceal its withering opportunities of becoming POTUS.
  • lady gaga in a bear – For her next tour, Lady Gaga will perform live inside a bear, or if the bear chooses to chew before swallowing, she will be just dead inside a bear. Either way, the tour will make millions.
  • fat crazy woman in straight jacket – For the record, I have never been a fat crazy woman. I have worn a straight jacket on a number of occasions, however. I find it’s the perfect garment when you want to save time hugging yourself.
  • megan fox caught – It’s about time someone caught her. She’s been running amok through overhyped big budget Hollywood films for far too long. I wonder if they used a clichéd script and a low-carb craft services table as bait?
  • “r.w. ridley” shirtless – I’m honored. Someone searched for me shirtless. I feel like I’m somebody now. Just for the record, there are very few shirtless pictures of me that exist, and I think the world is a better place for it. However, if money gets tight, I will return that call from Playgirl and finally agree to do that spread… what do you mean Playgirl went out of business?
  • chuck testa shirtless – Nope. It’s just Chuck Testa. Crap! So much for thinking I’m part of an elite group. If you people want to see Chuck shirtless, you want to see anybody shirtless. Okay, I’ll admit it. I kind of want to see him shirtless, too.
  • zombie children – Sure they’re kind of bitey, but they’re much easier to raise than live children. They leave you with so much free time because they never get invited to birthday parties, and forget about having to drive them all over town going to all those pesky extracurricular activities because zombie children usually don’t have the hand-eye coordination or viable brain function to participate in those sorts of things.
  • dog in meditation – I’m a transcendentalist, but even I think this is crazy.
  • nasa wants to blow up the moon – In their defense, it does kind of get in the way when you trying look at stuff in space. Stupid moon.
  • old people clowns – Internet traveler, meet the world’s most disturbing fetish.

Freaky Search Friday – January 22, 2010 Edition

bertconvy

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this edition of Freaky Search Friday, but I just thought I might as well post it now because it's just a matter of time before someone searches for a shirtless Bert Convy!

So, it’s been a while, but they’re back!  The freaks in all their freaky glory.  These are the weird and wacky search terms some folks used to find my blog.  I’ve decided not to number them any more.  That’s prejudicial of me.  I’ll leave it up to you to pick the best.  Besides, I love using bullet points!  They are so much fun.

  • how many books oz chronicles by r. w. ridley – Okay, so this isn’t a freaky search, but I just felt obligated to include it because a.) It’s cool that someone cared enough about the Oz Chronicles to search the interwebs for information on them, and 2.) This is the perfect opportunity to tell you that I am working on Book 4.  It’s coming soon!  I promise.
  • friend logo – Don’t brand your friends, dude.  Just let them be themselves.
  • awesome gorilla – Gorillas are totally awesome!  My wife and I just adopted four of them!  More on that later.
  • jerry seinfeld nudes – Nudes?  I prefer him clotheds.
  • p90x almost passed out – I too almost passed out from P90X.  But as Tony says, do your best and forget the rest.  I was smart enough stop before I actually hit the floor.  BTW – I’m on about day 150.  Love me some P90X.
  • mrs lane kiffin – Only weird because of the volume of searches for Mrs. Lane Kiffin.  It was by far the number one search term during that whole Tennessee Football debacle.  She’s as pretty as her husband is disloyal to a football program.
  • is bigfoot real the truth please – First of all, thank you for saying please.  Second of all, he is so real.  You’re welcome.
  • failing is okay – I agree unless you’re a parachute.  I would pretty much insist you have a 100% success rate in that case.
  • Leatherboobs – This has appeared before.  What up with that?  I think this is because my friend Woody made a comment that someone found her blog using this word.  I’ve got nothing against fake boobs, but that’s just a bit ridiculous.  Technically, I think cow utters are leather boobs.
  • jeff Goldblum favorite sandwich – Hmmmm, searching for a celebrities favorite sandwich, yep that’s pretty much why they invented the interwebs.   I believe Mr. Goldblum is a sandwichetarian.   He’s really into sandwich rights, although I  think  he still eats gyros.  Hypocrite!

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Freaky Search Friday on Saturday… Sunday, December 19… 20, 2009 Edition

Maybe you'd like to ask Mr. Cougar where humans are on the food chain!

Oye, am I late.  But the freaks are a forgiving bunch.  Here they are in all their glory.  The weird, freaky, and sometimes adorable search terms people used to find my blog.  If you see yours on here, remember, I’m not judging you, but everyone else is. 

10. nicely played, mr stephen king – I like this one because it’s worded in such a way to give the impression that this person was in the middle of an actual conversation with Stephen King.  Nicely played, anonymous googler.

9. bigfoot face to face – Sounds like a promo for an Oprah show.  “Coming up next, Bigfoot face-to-face.” 

8. stefanie meyer – Spelling fail.  Most people get the last name wrong.  Way to be different, anonymous googler. 

7. ed asner bare chested – Not shirtless, but bare chested.  It almost makes Ed Asner come off as sexy… Oh, man, now I’m really going to get some freaky search terms torpedoing my blog.

6. successful husband – Quick tell my wife that someone searching for a successful husband was directed to my blog… On second thought don’t.  Then I’ll have to explain why everyone looking for a shirtless Ed Anser is directed to my blog.

5. christorpher walking fat boy slim – You see why spelling matters?  Now everyone thinks Fatboy Slim has a bladder problem and some guy named Christopher is forced to walk him.  Okay, that’s what I think, anyway.  

4. where do humans come on the food chain – What an odd question.   I guess it’s useful information if you’re about to walk into the jungle or dive into the waters off the coast of Australia, but my impression is that most people searching for this kind of information on the internet aren’t really putting themselves in places where predators lurk about. 

3. peyton manning shirtless – Peyton’s first appearance on the shirtless charts.  I’m sure he’ll cherish this forever.

2. jerry seinfeld nude – And I thought Jerry Seinfeld shirtless was bad.  Seriously, we all know Seinfeld pretty well by now.  Does he seem like the kind of guy who would have nude pictures of himself lying around anywhere?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. zak bagans hairy pits picture – Ewww and yuk and barf nuggets.  Really?   Sometimes I imagine that celebrities are so insecure that they google weird stuff about themselves.  I almost believe that Zak was out one night, and he noticed that his hairy pits were showing so he hurried home to see if any of the paparazzi got a picture of it.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 23, 2009 Edition

This blog has gone hamster!

This blog has gone hamster!

It’s freaky-deaky time.  This is where I get to highlight all the freaks who find my blog by typing kooky and insane search terms into their favorite search engine.  I’m not hating.  I’m just sharing the love and awesomeness of the freaks.   If this is your first time here, you may want to catch up on past posts because there are definitely some disturbing trends.

10. Shirtless Male Celebrity Searches (I’m bunching them together this week): zak bagans, ted kennedy, ryan buell, michael vick, rw, jerry Seinfeld, ed asner, brad sciullo – The list is growing every week, and I don’t know who RW is but I’m assuming (and hoping) that it’s not me.  Because 1. I’m not a celebrity and 2. I haven’t been shirtless since ’99, in real life or photos.

9. short man with tattoos – Bizarrely specific? Yes!  But you’ve got to admire the person who googled this.  They know what they want.

8. is jeff goldblum attractive? – If you have to ask… maybe the next freaky search Friday entry will help you answer your question.

7.ladies love jeff Goldblum – I have it on good authority that Jeff Goldblum actually is the person who googled this.

6. jeff goldblum awkward – Apparently ladies love awkward.  Again, I have it on good authority that this too was Mr. Goldblum.  Looks like he has a self-esteem problem.

5. did michael jackson fear prince – Let’s face it Prince is an imposing figure.  The make-up, the high heel shoes, the lace, the come hither stare… Wait, what was I talking about?

4. hamster 80s term – I was around in the 80s.  We called hamsters, hamsters.  In all fairness, they are probably referring to this 80’s dating video.

3. nude male celebrities – Apparently shirtless just won’t do for some people.

2. donna reed nude – Again?  Why?  I must know.

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. Ed Asner nude – You remember that scene in I Am Legend where Will Smith sees the Fred mannequin on the street, and he gets out of his SUV and screams in a panicked voice, “No!  No!”  That’s exactly how I felt when I first saw Ed Asner nude in the list of search terms used to find my blog.  Now, I’m just numb… cold and numb… and frightened.

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Freaky Search Friday – October 16, 2009 Edition

Was she a babe?  Yes, but shes the wholesome type, people.  Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Was she a babe? Yes, but she's the wholesome type, people. Keep your minds out of the gutter!

Freaky search Friday is here!  Let the freak party roll.  The freaks must be gearing up for Halloween, because they don’t seem to be on the interwebs as much as they have been in the past.   Once again, I’m not judging you.  I’m just laughing at you.

10. helicopter fishing marlin – This is quite the evolved marlin.  And what bait do you use to catch helicopters?

9. zombie how to get rid of them – I’ve found the best way to get rid of zombies is to only serve vegetarian meals. They’ll stop coming around.

8. i smell the dead movie – I suggest cremation or burial.  You may also need to fumigate.

7. coolest gorilla – This one makes me smile.  To think, someone was directed to my site to find the coolest gorilla.  While they probably found this picture, I like to think they were looking for Ajax.  Ajax is the coolest gorilla.  If you don’t know who Ajax is, then this is an awkward moment for both of us.  Read my book and all will be forgiven.

6. what fish carries its babies in its mout – I don’t know the fish, but don’t tell Octomom about this.  She doesn’t exactly make the best decisions when it comes to child rearing.  We don’t need to give her any ideas.

5. jeff goldblum favorite food – According to what I learned about the Jeff from The Fly (My favorite Non-Woody Allen movie with Jeff Goldblum in it), he likes sugary food that he can throw up on. I know I’ve picked on Goldblum a few times on this blog, and I have nothing against him, but I do find it weird that he has such a rabid fan base.  They want to see him shirtless.  They want to know his favorite food.  They want to know his birthday. Blah, blah, blah.  I just never knew he had that kind of following.

4. topless male celebs 2009 – Somebody got tired of searching for shirtless male celebrities one at a time.  There were several queries for shirtless male celebrities this week.  It would be exhausting to include them all.  BTW – Can men be topless?  Topless to me suggests something that it is taboo.  This also reminds me of my favorite newspaper headline.  My brother-in-law saw it in either the Daily News or the Post. I can’t remember which one.  “Headless Body Found in Topless Bar!”

3. degrees of wizardry – While normal people may find this search bizarre, it’s not that crazy.  It is possible to get a degree of wizardry at Flamel College.   It just goes to show you there is a place for everybody.

2. http://www.donnareed nude .com – No joke, there were over half a dozen searches for some variation of the term, Donna Reed nude.    Now, the good news here is that every time some one searches for nude pictures of Donna Reed an angel gets its wings.  Wait for it…. Wait for it… You got it!

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. NASA blows the moon – This is an example of how crucial it is to include every word you intended in an online search.  Without the word “up”, this search has an entirely different meaning.  In all fairness, I think that NASA and the moon are just friends.  If anything, they have engaged in some handholding in the past, but that’s as far as it’s gone.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 25, 2009 Edition

I am not, nor have I ever been a woman!

Ugly Evolution or Hottest Man Alive?

My favorite day of the week is here!  Not because it kicks off the weekend, but because I get to write my Freaky Search Friday weekly post.  Lest you think otherwise, I love all you freak out there.  You’ve made my blogging life interesting.  Keeping freaking it up!  These are the top ten freakiest search terms people used to find my blog this past week.  Enjoy!

10. маленькие татуировки –Gobidy-goop to you, too.  I think it’s Russian.  If so, it makes perfect sense for my blog to find its way in this persons search results.  I’m known for my Russian prose.

9. evolution photos, ugly to pretty – Sure Australopithecus africanus is no runway model, but ugly?  That’s kind of harsh.

8. monster suit – For that very special meeting when just a normal suit won’t do.

7. is jeff goldblum sick? – That depends on what you mean by sick!  Oh, rim shot!

6. what are nice pauses in a story – I wouldn’t know. All my story pauses are vicious.

5. carrot head steroids & carrot head plastic surgery– The man spends years developing an act and a style and people still can’t get his name right.  It’s Carrot Top!  Carrot head is just ridiculous.

4. poop identifier – Identifying poop must be a growth industry because someone searched for “animal poop identifier” last week.   There is such a thing as too much information.

3.  poop in your car – I just don’t think I can do it.  I can’t even poop on a plane.

2. leatherboobs.com – Wow!  That is taking the concept of fake breasts way too far.  I guess technically that a cow’s utter could be considered leather boobs.  Or is that boob?

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. hottest man alive – It’s my Russian roots that make me so damn good looking.  I can’t help but feel this persons absolute frustration when they clicked on my blog expecting to find the hottest man alive.

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Freaky Search Friday – September 4, 2009 edition. Freaks Welcome!

You have reached the end of the internet!

You have reached the end of the internet!

It’s Freaky Search Friday.  This is the day of the week I celebrate all you freaky interwebs types.  I’ve combed through the search terms used to find my blog and picked the top 10 freakiest searches. As always, I don’t edit the search terms for spelling or grammar.  I do, however, add my own special little commentary.

10.  top 10 love phrases for girls – Because nothing impresses a girl like love phrases.

9. cats are jerks – I’m actually proud of this one because I invented this phrase.  Click here to see what I mean.

8. really shocked girl – Shocked by bad love phrases, no doubt. 

7. shirtless celebrities – This is a continuing theme on the interwebs. People loves them some shirtless celebrities.  Don’t believe me?  See the next two search terms.

6. “michael vick” shirtless – Personally, I’d prefer he be jobless, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

5. jerry seinfeld shirtless – You remember that song “Too Sexy For My Shirt.”  Little known fact, it was written about Seinfeld.  In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “What is wrong with these people?”  BTW – The Vick-Seinfeld shirtless combo is a repeat combo on the top ten Freaky Search Friday list.  Some people just can’t get enough.

4. gorilla ass – A little advice, if you’ve stooped to searching for “gorilla ass,” it’s time to step away from the keyboard and take a break from the interwebs.  There is literally nothing left to see here.

3. tattoos for girls on face – I am totally confused by the structure of this term.  What do they really want, tattoos that are made for a girl’s face or tattoos for a guy’s face meant to attract girls?  Either way, might I suggest one of the top 10 love phrases for girls as your choice for tattoo.

2. im alive tattoo – Just a thought, but if you need a tattoo to let people know you are alive, you may have some serious medical issues.  I suggest making an appointment with your family physician before investing in the tattoo. 

And the number 1 freakiest search term used to find my blog is:

1. you owe me money – If you’re using google to find someone who owes you money, I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and guess you have a serious problem managing your funds.  Google is good, but I think you’re going to have to be a little more specific.  Better yet, just let it go.  You’re never going to see that money.

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